04/16/2008
I have not done any research on men and their midlife crisis so this blog is all just personal experience, feelings and thoughts. It is not to represent any other man. While it may represent others or be similar to others I personally think a midlife crisis is unique to each individual although I’m quite sure there are some common tell tale signs.
Now I am not going through the stereotypical midlife crisis where I am getting a divorce for a young babe and going out and buying a fancy sports car, etc., No, what I am talking about is the real inner feelings and turmoil that I am facing. The only thing I can contribute this phase of my life is that I am going through my midlife crisis. I did take several polls on some forums that I belong to and not every man goes through a midlife crisis. It seems the majority of men do but there’s quite a few that do not go through anything, at least nothing that seemed unusual to them.
What I am experiencing I have been experiencing for a number of years but it seems to be coming to a head. I am hoping that I am at the end of it and that pretty soon it will start to ease up on me because it truly is a difficult phase to be going through.
Of course, we all think that our problems and our experiences are unique to us only and by far the worse or the best than anybody else’s. I am quite sure that there are a lot of men that have had many of the same feelings that I have had. While I feel my situation is unique and it is to the average man, it is not unique to a lot of men either.
The first thing for me is that I had to accept the fact that I am gay. This is just so hard to explain to people but trust me it’s the truth. While I have known I am gay since I was a teenager, I have denied that part of myself my entire life. I kept it separate like it wasn’t a part of me it was somebody else. I knew I was gay, I’ve always known I’m gay, but I also never wanted to be gay and so I didn’t accept it.
I am at a stage in my life that I have to accept it if I want to become a whole man, a whole human being. I need to collect all my “boxes” that I have kept separate about myself and integrate them so I can become one man instead of many men to many different people. I am tired of playing games and I am tired of living lies so I have decided to just be honest. By being honest I do not have to pretend, I do not have to lie, I do not have to deny any part of myself. I am who I am take it or leave it. Just because I am admitting to these things and just because I am coming to terms with them does not make me a different person. I am still the same person and still have all the same traits, good and bad, I still have the same opinions, good or bad, etc… I just am integrating myself and taking all the boxes I kept separate and creating a whole man in Christ Jesus. I would not be doing this if it were not for serving Jesus. I would not be to the point I am at if I wasn’t following what He was telling me. For years I felt convicted to tell my family that I am gay, for years and years Jesus has been telling me to tell my family but I fought it off. I believed that I am living a celibate life so what difference does it make and I also figured my sexual life was my business, nobody else’s business. But the Lord finally got through to me in the recent past and I decided this time around to be obedient and follow His instructions.
The benefit I have found by telling my family and close friends is not that I satisfied their curiosity or that I gave them something to gossip about. But the benefit is for me. It helps me to accept this part of myself. I have to stop lying about it if everybody knows. It is an important part of me and it is something I need to accept and the only way I am going to accept it is to acknowledge it.
Being gay is not the only aspect of my crisis but it most certainly is playing a top role in this for me and I have a lot to write about that aspect of it alone. I am thinking that I may have to do this blog in two sections because there is so much that I want to share.
One of the ways I denied my homosexuality was that I tried everything known to man to become straight. I have always hated myself for being gay. I hate being gay. I do not want to be gay. I never wanted to be gay. And I tried everything that I could find to make me heterosexual but I tried over my entire life in vain. I am gay and that’s it. The only way my orientation would change is if God waved a magic wand over my head and took away that part of me and with everything I tried, I honestly thought He would, but unfortunately He did not so I have to realize that I am gay and that I will probably always be gay. Being gay really isn’t the problem when it comes to my faith, it is what I do with it that potentially is the problem but I seemed to have that worked out and so I can finally reconcile the two. It took me 27 years to be able to reconcile the two and I am still working at that. Gay Christian just seems like an oxymoron but it cannot be because that is what I am. I am a Christian man who happens to be gay.
You might be wondering right now why being gay and saying that I’ve tried to change has to do with my midlife crisis. Very good question. Here’s the answer. You see, I believed with all my heart and soul that God would deliver me. I went to Christian psychiatrists for at least 3 years. I went to support groups for many, many years. I read many, many books on the topic and tried all the various ways I could to become a straight man. The Psychiatrists actually promised me if I followed their way I would be married with children within a year. Yeah, right, like that was going to happen.
At any rate I believed with all my heart and soul since God calls homosexuality an abomination and since there are all these claims of men who “were” gay and “became” straight by following certain rituals that God would deliver me if I tried them. For the longest time I felt that God hated me because He never honored any of my efforts. He knew I wanted with all my heart to be married and have children. He knew with all my heart and soul that I did not want to be gay. He knew that with all my heart and soul I hated that part of myself. But none of that mattered to God, He never delivered me with everything that I tried.
It wasn’t until this year, at the age of 46, that I am finally becoming accustomed to the fact that I am a gay man. I am learning that God does not necessarily change a gay man and make him a heterosexual. I am learning that I bought into the lies of man. Because man makes homosexuality the worse sin that one can commit they have also made all kinds of lies and rules and regulations to make homosexuals who truly love God believe that God doesn’t love them. How can God love me if I am abominable to Him? Well, that’s all for another blog at another time. But the fact remains that I did not change and I am still as gay today as I was when I first realized it as a teenager even with all the work I put into reparative therapy. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God does indeed love me no matter what man may have to say about it because God told me so. All you have to do is read my blog titled “He Already Knew” and you will see that God does indeed know that I am gay and that God does indeed love me even though I am gay.
So this year, realizing that I am 46 years old I finally came to the conclusion that my dreams and hopes and desires are just never going to happen. I am too old to get married and start a family. I have to give up the idea of ever becoming a heterosexual man. This is very hard pill to swallow. It is very hard to have to deal with the fact that your dreams will never come true because of some cosmic reason and not of your own fault. I do not know if God made me gay or not but to me that is irrelevant. The fact is, I am gay and God did not take it away.
I have always wanted children. I have wanted a lot of children. I love children. I wanted to prove that I could and would be a good father and husband to somebody. I wanted the opportunity that is promised to every other human being on this earth. God did not make Adam and Steve He made Adam and Eve. This is so easy to say but Christians do not realize how much they hurt people that are homosexual through no choice of their own, and condemn them to hell telling them that God hates them. I finally realize that God does not hate me just because I am gay. I am just coming to terms with that.
So I have to give up my dream of ever having a family, I have to face the fact that I am going to grow old and die by myself. Of all things in this world that is the only thing I am afraid of and of all things in this world that is one fact I can be sure that is going to happen because homosexuality is an abomination to God. That is not right nor is it fair, but it is a reality I must face and I want heterosexual folks to realize the torture us folks who struggle with being gay have to go through.
I am finally coming to terms with being gay, I am finally coming to terms with giving up my hopes, dreams and desires. It’s been a long hard road to travel and I’ve had to travel most of it alone because there aren’t very many people that can understand what I am going through. That is until I found a website with thousands of gay Christians that are going through the same struggles as me. It is such a good feeling to know I am not alone. It is such a good feeling to know that I am not the only one who struggles with these issues. It feels so good to be able to talk to people that understand me and can give me advice because they have already “been there” and can tell me what to expect and what will happen next. This website has been the biggest blessing in my life it is a real life saver.
So for me being gay and going through my midlife crisis is integral they go hand in hand. I am at the age I have to realize my dreams are not going to come true. Therefore, I am at a point in my life that I have to make new dreams and new hopes. Something a lot of men going through their midlife crisis go through only for me it is the “normal” parts of life that are what I have to learn to let go of. I will have to mourn over these losses in order to fully get through this part of the crisis but I am not there just yet.
I truly would like to expound on the gay issue of my midlife crisis but I do not know what more to say. So if anyone has any questions to ask now would be a good time. It will give me something to think about and something to add for another blog. So for now I think I will move on to the other aspects of the midlife crisis.
I do not think that the rest of the midlife crisis is as much of a crisis as the homosexual part is so I do not think this will be too much longer so I have decided to just continue and make it just one large blog. {if I can get it all to fit}
I have to face the fact that I am getting old. I am out of shape and I will never have the same body that I had in my 20’s and 30’s. For me that is very hard to accept. I am disabled and because of the disability and the medication that I take I have gained a lot of weight and I hate it. But it is also a part of me that I have to learn to accept. I never thought that my appearance would ever come into jeopardy but it has. I seem to be much more vain than I thought I was and I do not like having a beer belly especially since I do not drink beer. LOL.
Another thing I have to face is the fact that I am losing my house. I am currently in the process of selling my house because of circumstances beyond my control. This was never planned and it comes at a very bad time in my life. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing and that God has bigger and better plans for me in the near future. But for now, I have had to get rid of a lot of my possessions and I have to move into an apartment.
The hardest part about losing my home is the fact that I had to give up my dog. First and foremost, she was my roommate and my company. I spend the majority of my time home alone and she was my companion. Second, I loved her so very much it was like giving up a child for adoption. I had her for six years so I was really very attached to her. She never left my side when I was home no matter what room I would be in she would be there with me. But alas, I had to give her up and that is the hardest part about this whole thing. That is the hardest possession that I owned that I had to give up. The rest of the stuff is just things but Sable was my companion.
So this next part of my crisis is the fact that my whole life is changing under my feet, right before my very eyes and it is stuff that I do not necessarily like. I feel like I have to give up everything. I do count my blessings in the fact that I have a place to go and live and that I will not be homeless and have to live on the street. But it is not a part of my plan or dreams for my life and it comes at a time when transition is normal for a man of my age.
Next, I do not work because I am on disability. It is my hope and dream to get back into the working world. I never thought I’d say that I wanted to go to work, but I do. I miss the interaction with other people and I miss the feeling of being productive and needed. This also is a big part of the crisis. Once my house sells and I move into my apartment I am going to attempt to get back into the back to work program offered by the government just so that I can get a job and get out there and be a productive citizen to society again.
Another part of my crisis is the fact that over the years I have become more and more of a recluse. I have hardly no friends. My friends are on the computer for the most part. I do have a few good friends that I see now and again but nothing like a best buddy. Except of course of Joe. Joe is a deacon at church who has taken me under his wing. He helps me out with everything and he comes to visit me and to check on me. I try to do whatever Joe tells me to do. Joe counsels me as well so we are not only good friends but he is also a counselor for me. I have grown to depend on Joe I think a bit too much which is another reason I need to get to work. I need more than just one friend. I cannot put all my investment into one person because I have to realize he has a life of his own.
Another aspect of the crisis is that I have to grow up. It is time that I stop making excuses and start taking responsibility for my own actions. While I have been doing this for years there are areas of my life that I do not do this for and it’s time I integrate everything and become one person and one person who is a responsible adult. I want to be the best that I can be and I know that I am not. It is time for me to turn over a new leaf and that has always been very hard to do and now that I am getting older it is even harder to do as I am set in my ways on a lot of things and issues.
So there is a lot of change going on in my life. Most of it is accepting and realizing things and parts of myself that I have always denied. Much of it is just the fact that I need to step back and assess things and see what I need to change and attempt to change those things. And of course I need to make some new dreams and plans which seem to be a very hard thing to do. I have no idea what kind of dreams I want now. I have wanted my own family my entire life, how will I ever find something to replace such a dream? I do not know.
I think this covers pretty much what I wanted to say about my Midlife Crisis but if I think of a lot more I may add a part two at a later date. In the mean time feel free to leave comments, leave advice, leave questions, give me things to think about and/or to help me out.
So, for now…
