Posts Tagged ‘Gay’

Gay and Christian: a Dilemma

13 August 2009

 Sorry it’s been a while since I updated. I really haven’t had much to write about because it’s been a rather boring, rainy summer.

 But I thought I’d post something on a little dilemma I have. I try to make friends with young gay Christian men hoping to help them in their walk with the Lord. I do not think I do such a good job in helping them out.

 It is still my firm belief that homosexual sex is wrong, that is my conviction. But it doesn’t seem to be the conviction of the younger generation. I fear for their salvation. But I also see where they are coming from. At my age it’s pretty easy to live a celibate life. But it wasn’t always easy. As a matter of fact it is one of the most difficult things to ask of somebody. I had a lot of trouble and a lot of internal (and external) turmoil. A lot of anger towards God and myself for being gay. In essence I have always hated my life.

 In helping these young men my real goal is to spare them from living a life of pain as I have done. At 48 years old, I am a miserable, lonely old fart. I live a lonely, single, isolated, celibate life. I don’t have much of a problem with the celibacy anymore but I still struggle with it at times.

 I really do not know the truth anymore and I really do not know how to help these young men. For goodness sake, I don’t even know how to help myself.

 I mean, asking a young man to live his life without sex is next to impossible. The Bible even says it is better to marry than to burn with lust. Well, what’s a young gay man supposed to do? He still has a sex drive. He still wants to have sex and his body and brain tells him he needs to have sex.

 It is a special calling to live a celibate life and it’s not one meant for very many people. I did it but not without the help of a Pastor who took much abuse from me. If it were not for him, I would not have been able to remain celibate. Whenever I had the urge, or whenever I got so down and depressed about things, I took it out on him. He always pointed out scripture, always gave me godly council and basically just took my verbal abuse until my urges passed by.

 I just cannot do this to these young men. That is asking so much. I have lived such a depressed life, I have struggled with suicide and self hatred my entire life. Is this really the path that God wants young gay men to follow?

 How do you convince a young man that God does not want him to have sex? Ever! Unless he gets married. There is just no way for a gay man to live his life married in a heterosexual relationship and live a happy life. It just doesn’t work. History proves that.

 It’s very frustrating and I’m not sure what to do. I do not want to lead these guys down the wrong road. I do not want to tell them that homosexual sex is ok unless I know for sure it is. Because I do not want to be the one responsible for sending their soul’s to hell. Yet, I do not know if that would be the case. I do not want them to live the life I led. I do not want them to grow old alone. It’s not easy and it’s not fun and it’s not fair.

 It’s a real dilemma and I’m not sure what to do. I feel strongly in my faith but that is my faith and my convictions I cannot push that on these young men. I can tell them what I know, which is what I do. But when they ask me if I’m telling them they can never have sex, I just cannot give them an answer because I do not know what God has planned for their lives. Like I said, celibacy is not for everybody. As a matter of fact I think it’s only for a very small group of people. And to ask the whole gay population to live without sex is just the most ridicules thing I’ve ever thought or heard.

 I guess a big problem for me that other’s don’t have or see is the fact that I myself am gay. So, I know that it’s not a choice. Nobody chooses to be gay. I’m not going to go down that road right now but just enough to say, nobody chooses this. So, if someone finds themselves to be gay, what is s/he supposed to do about their sex life? If you do any psychology reading, sex and love are essential parts of life. People need each other, people need to be loved, to be touched, to be held, to be special, the whole nine yards. How can I ask anybody to give all that up just because I did. And did I even do the right thing for myself? I honestly do not know. As I said, it’s a bit late for me. I’m old and am pretty set in my ways now. I’m used to being celibate and have some ED problems anyway so it’s not much of an issue for me.

 But I do know the life of pain of being lonely and isolated. The life of pain of denying your flesh intimate relationships. The life of pain from not having any one to love or to be able to love somebody in return. It’s all nearly impossible to ask from anybody but a select few.

 I don’t understand, I really don’t. There’s a huge part of me that says it’s quite ridiculous to ask a young man to give everything up because not many will do that. Yet, I nor the Church, can decide their salvation. And I certainly do not want to turn them away from the Church. Jesus loves homosexuals as much as He loves anybody else. And is Jesus really asking homosexuals to live a life of isolation and celibacy? Is this what He really wants? If it’s not a gift, a calling, then I don’t think He would expect this from so many. So, what is the answer? What is the solution? How do I help young men? I know that Jesus loves them and that is the most important thing and what I try to show them. I try to love them and let them know that Jesus loves them. I don’t believe telling fags they’re all going to hell is the answer. I do not think they are. I just don’t know, I don’t know.

 So, for now…

Homosexuality – now I’m angry

I am truly sick and tired of trying to explain to ignorant people that homosexuality is not a choice. I am having a sort of debate in a forum that I belong to. However, I have said that I am dropping out of the debate. I only made three or four posts just to let the men know that homosexuality is not a choice. But these men refuse to believe that. They believe it is a choice. My point is this, why would a man choose to be gay? Why would a man choose to grow up in school being called gay, fag, homo being picked on and target of fights. Being the last person to be chosen to play on a team. Why would a man choose to be hated by the world? Why would a man choose to be hated by his church? Why would a man choose to be hated by his family? Why would a man choose to be an abomination before God? That is all just ludicrous and the most ignorant thing I have ever heard in my life. As the saying goes, I chose to be gay the day you chose to be straight. I did not choose to be gay, I just am. I have prayed every single day for my entire life since I realized I was gay as a teenager for God to change me. I did not want to be gay. I have attempted suicide many, many times because I hate myself for being gay. I wanted to get married. I wanted nine children. Why would I chose to give up such a dream and chose to be gay? And if I did, why didn’t I live in the gay lifestyle my entire life? I only spent several years involved in the act of homosexuality. All the other years I was celibate. I chose to be celibate because I believed being gay was a sin, that it was wrong. Here I am gay and I gave up all this stuff because I made a choice to be gay? I think not. I have lived my life in denial to being gay. I hated that side of myself. I hated it. There is no way anyone is going to tell me I chose this. I did not. I spent a good 12 years in ex-gay ministry. I spent at least three years in one on one counseling with Christian Psychiatrists who promised me if I followed what they told me I would be straight and married within the year. It never happened. I never changed. I am just as gay as I was the day I realized I was gay. I went through the Exodus program, I went through Homosexuals Anonymous I have spent years and years in support groups and working through issues and none of it worked. The church is just so ignorant on this topic and it infuriates me, it totally infuriates me. Why in my right mind would I choose a way of life that I hate? That just makes no sense at all. Why would I pray all those many years? Why would I go through all those many years of therapy if I wanted to be gay? That is ludicrous. And this idea that it is caused by sexual abuse and/or overly powerful mothers or absent fathers is also ludicrous. Look how many families there are out there today without a father figure around. Look at how many families that have no father so the mother is the dominate figure in the family. How come we do not have all these gay people because of this? Where are they? How come most of these young men and women grow up to be healthy and whole heterosexuals? Why didn’t they chose to be gay when they were raised the same way the church claims gay men were raised? I know gay men that have come from very stable, loving homes. That is just not the reason a man becomes gay. It is not a choice. Period. Why would God give me a vision? Why did God give me that vision and tell me that I am more precious to Him than a piece of pure gold? If God didn’t love me I certainly would not have had that vision. And that vision was real and God verified it to me. I am a firm believer in God. I am very religious, I am very strong in the faith, I read my bible almost every single day. I know the Bible better than your average Christian does and yet they’re going to tell me I chose this? No, I won’t sit back and take it any longer. It is not a choice. I did not chose to be gay. That is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard.

An Open Letter to Dr. Laura

I got this from a website I belong to and thought it was written so well that I decided to post it as a blog. I hope folks really do read my blog. I am going to post it on my other blogs as well. Please feel free to copy and distribute it as you see fit.

As you know, Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her show. Recently, she said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and as an observant Orthodox Jew, she cannot condone it under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

quote:



Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. For example, when someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, I simply remind them that Leviticus18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

2. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

3. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

6. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)


I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

My Coming Out Letter

22 June 2008

Back on 2 December 2007 I finally decided it was time to come out to my family. I posted my letter on my other blog I had at the time. I thought now was an appropriate time to post this letter here on this blog. There are a couple of old blogs that I think I might bring over here to WordPress and post them because they help set the stage to where I am coming from. So I hope that you understand that I was very nervous at the time I wrote this letter. But it was something I had to do. I see a Psychiatrist on a regular basis and I have denied being gay my entire life. It was our decision that I should come out to family and close friends to help me accept the fact that I am gay. It is by telling other’s that I then cannot deny the truth to myself. The only regret I have is that I waited so long. I wish I had done it many years ago.

I honestly do not know why I feel compelled to post it now but I do. Maybe there is somebody out there struggling with this issue. Or God has some other, unknown to me, reason for having me share this letter with you. But this is the exact letter that I wrote to my family and a few friends. Like I said, there were a couple of follow up letters that I wrote and I ended up posting on my blog also so I may post them here as well. But December wasn’t really all that long ago. I must say the reactions have been very positive. I have not run into any trouble except from one friend. Which when you take into account all the trouble that a lot of people have I am very fortunate and I cannot complain about the reactions that I received. Some of it was hard at the time but none of it was unbearable or downright nasty. Nothing like that, just that some people asked me to give them time to digest it. While most seemed to already know it did come as a surprise to a few folks. So here goes, I will now post my Coming Out Letter. I hope that it helps somebody else. And Please make comments and ask questions. I am willing to respond to comments this time. I know I don’t generally respond to comments but that’s because I do not want to make this blog into a dialogue, I post comments and leave it at that. I think I’ve only responded to one post so far. But then, not too many of you post comments. I see by the stats that I am picking up some readers but you’re all silent readers and I wish I would get more comments. But anyway, here’s the letter I wrote my family:

2 December 2007

This is probably going to be the hardest paper I have ever written. But I am now 46 years old and I must do this. I believe that out of everybody that knows me I am the only one who does not acknowledge the fact that I am a homosexual.

Firstly, let me assure you that I live a celibate life. But that doesn’t change the fact of who I am. I have tried everything under the sun to become straight and nothing has worked. Last year when I was suspected of having IPF is when it hit me that I was 45 years old and still waiting for God to deliver me.

But it was too late, if it was true that I had IPF then I would die in a relatively short period of time and so a relationship would have been out of the question. But when I learned that I only have emphysema and not IPF I learned several things. I learned that one of my biggest fears is dying alone. I learned that I am too old to get married and start a family of my own. Let’s face it, who in their right mind wants a screaming crying infant waking them up in the middle of the night when you’re 46 years old. No thanks. So as far as I’m concerned I’m too old.

I have been through years and years of counseling, one on one counseling as well as group counseling. I have read 100’s of books on coming out of homosexuality and I have done everything that I was told to do. The problem with that is I am still just as gay today as I was when I first realized it.

Let me assure you it is not a choice. I have hated myself my entire life. I still do. I am an abomination to God. Who wants to choose that? Not me. I have attempted to take my life on many occasions most of which my family is unaware of but they are aware of several attempts.

I believed if I tried hard enough, if I prayed hard enough, if I was good enough God would honor all that and make me straight. After all Corinthians says “such ‘were’ some of you” and this is a sticking point between reality and the word of God. I cannot change myself. And God has refused to change me.

This is not a choice. It has been a life of hell living alone. It has been a life of hell keeping my mouth shut. It has been a living hell to hear my loved ones talk about their despise against homosexuals. I always thought if they only knew they would kick me out of the family. Well, you know what, I’m ready for that now.

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care who knows or who doesn’t know. I did not choose this and I am not going to live a double life any longer. It is very hard to live a lie for 46 years. If people wish to disown me then they really never loved me. And it will be their loss not mine. I have been good to my loved ones. When I made money I took care of their needs and desires. When they needed special favors if I was available I never said no. So if they can abandon me now in good conscience then that is their prerogative.

I am not saying that I have never had sex with a woman or a man, because I have. I cannot in all honesty say that I enjoyed my encounters with woman. It has been 13 years since my last relationship with a man. I am not saying that I am going man hunting now either. All I’m saying is I am opening up some closed doors.

I am not asking for anyone’s opinion. I am not asking for anyone’s advice. I am not asking for anyone’s approval. None of this would amount to a hill of beans anyway. I am merely getting a very heavy burden off my chest.

Now the hard part, do I let you read this or not. How do I get it to you? Yes I worry if I’m still going to be loved. Yes I worry if I’m still going to be accepted. But I am not controlled by those emotions any longer. That fear is gone, the Bible says that there is no fear in Love.

The only way I am going to be able to walk closer with God is if I’m honest with Him, with others and with myself. It’s called respect. And I have not respected God enough to do this for Him like He has instructed me to do so many times in the past. I am not changing religions. I am not changing anything. I am only being honest. My only real regret about this whole thing is my fear. I should have done this years ago but I was driven by fear. That is not the case any longer.

And although I said I don’t care who knows. In all reality it is nobody’s business. I would appreciate it if you would not discuss this as a piece of gossip to all your friends. I would rather rumors about me not be spread about. It is only my sexuality that we are talking about here. And you certainly do not go about telling everybody you meet that you are a heterosexual. So I would appreciate it if you didn’t go around telling everybody that I am a homosexual. I think I deserve my privacy as much as the next person.

I am not an out and proud gay. I am not going to change my ways. I am not going to become some drag queen or be transformed into any of your stereotypical molds. I am merely going to stay the same man I have always been. So regarding this matter I have said what I feel that I have needed to. The next decision, however, is yours to make.

Masturbation Statistics

I received this email from Gay.com I hope they don’t mind that I’m posting it for my blog but I thought it was rather interesting and fun to read. If you have anything interesting or fun to share, please post it.

Startling masturbation survey results!

To celebrate National Masturbation Month in May, Gay.com ran a series
of truly unique and provocative surveys about solo sex.
We got real, asking how you do it, when you do it, where you do it.
Naked or clothed? Lights on or off? Whom do you tell? Ever been
caught?

Just to make it more interesting, we even asked readers to forward
the surveys to their lesbian and straight friends, so they could
answer, too.

Well, the results are in — and all we can say is WOW!

29,341 people took our surveys during the month of May, and the grand
total of answers to our four surveys (with a total of 49 questions
each for gay guys, straight guys, straight girls and lesbians)? A
whopping 338,730.

The results were surprising, to say the least. Some of the more eye-
opening stats:

41 percent of straight men have masturbated in a gym locker room –
while only 34 percent of gay men have.

51 percent of gay men say they masturbate more when they are in a
relationship.

53 percent of gay men say they masturbate once a day.

More straight people (17 percent of men and 15 percent of women) find
masturbation more enjoyable than having sex. In contrast, 8 percent
of gay men and 8 percent of lesbians prefer masturbation to having
sex with a partner.

Women moan: 33 percent of straight women and 34 percent of lesbians
say they’re moaners, opposed to 19 percent of straight men and 16
percent of gay men.

67 percent of straight men and 63 percent of gay men have masturbated
at work. 52 percent of straight women have done the deed on the job –
but only 39 percent of lesbians have.

“Mention a masturbation survey, and everyone giggles at first,” says
Gay.com’s health and fitness editor. “But once people saw that tens
of thousands of others were responding, it really took off.

“When gay men started forwarding these surveys to their straight and
lesbian friends, we were amazed at the momentous response we got –
and the answers were extremely unexpected!”

Two Essay’s Written by V. Matt Pearson on AIDS/HIV

I have a friend who is in pre-med college and he had to write some papers. I thought they were good enough to publish on my blog. I hope you will find them as interesting and as informative as I did. The topic is AIDS and it is two essays. Please take the time to read through the whole paper and any comments please leave them for Matt not me. Again, these were written by Matt Pearson and he is allowing me to post them on my blog. Thank you Matt!

Outline

  1. Introduction

1. What Is AIDS?

2. History

II. Problems

  1. World ProblemsA. Economic Aspects
  2. U. S. ProblemsA. Economic aspects

    B. Social Aspects

  3. Stigmas

A. Problems Caused By The Stigmas

III. Hope

1. How Can We Stop AIDS?

IV. Conclusion

1. AIDS is not a “gay disease”.

Matt Pearson

English 102-27

Melanie Rowland-White

February 24, 2008Matt Pearson

The End of AIDS

The age of AIDS is fast coming to an end. With the ever-changing advancements in the medical sciences and the larger amount of interest that is being paid to this disease, it won’t be long before AIDS is a thing of the past. According to the National Institute of Health, there are over 40 million cases world wide of full blown AIDS. That doesn’t include the HIV cases.

In writing this paper I’m basically looking for news on new medications that will kill the AIDS virus off. As of right now, there are medications that can halt the physiological effects of HIV on the body. There are also medications that have the ability to keep the HIV virus from ever becoming AIDS. So and HIV positive person can live their entire life in full and never actually contract the AIDS virus.

I feel that AIDS research is extremely important to both the homosexual and heterosexual communities. Right now, because of the enormous spread of the HIV virus in countries such as India and Africa, the HIV virus is actually more prominent world wide in the heterosexual community than it is within the gay community. Only in America does the number of gays with HIV outweigh the number of heterosexuals. Still, in 2003 alone, it was sexual contact between heterosexual partners that accounted for the second highest mode of HIV transmission in the United States. (thebody.com) So it’s apparent why the research is important or at least should be important to both communities.

Some of the things that I would really like to research for this paper are the advancements in therapeutic drugs for HIV positive people and preventative drugs for HIV negative people. I’d also like to take a look at the research being done with drugs and therapies for patients with full blown AIDS.

According to an article in The Wallstreet Journal, a new drug released from the phamacuetical company Merck called MC-518 has made a tremendous change in patients virus levels. According to a case study from the clinical trial, the MC-518 drug reduced the patients virus levels to a completely undetectable level. That is very exciting news. However the patients CD-4 cells (infection fighting white cells) were still rising at a dangerous level.

This new drug shows a lot of promise for HIV infected people. Still the fact that the CD-4 cells will still rise as thought the virus weren’t buffered is not a good sign, but hopefully a slight setback only.

The MC-518 drug is a new class of HIV treatment drugs called integrase inhibitors. Because of the ever-mutative abilities of the HIV and AIDS viruses, patients that have been battling the viruses for years have grown immune to the past classes of drugs. Still the past drug classes can still be effective when mixed together and made into what is called a “drug cocktail”. This way the viruses are attacked from multiple points before they have a chance to mutate and achieve a resistant property. Still, according to the same article, out of the 1 million HIV positive people in America alone, almost 40,000 of them have the multi-drug resistant HIV. (Chase and Goldstein, Emerging Drugs Show Promise Against HIV, The Wallstreet Journal, 2, 2007)

An excerpt from the journal, Science, explains the advancements in blocking the AIDS virus. A new study shows that the AIDS virus only contains 15 proteins. This does not give the virus the ability to multiply, copy, or regenerate itself. So a new weakness is found in the fact that the virus relies on the proteins in the human cells in order to copy itself.

A new type of therapy, called RNA interface, blocks the proteins in the human cells. Scientists have taken 21,000 genes within a mammalian cell and turned them off one at a time. In doing this they have found 273 genes that could possibly be the ones that allow the AIDS virus to multiply. (Elledge, Science. 7/ 2007, 389-393) This isolation has allowed for another class of drugs, called neucleoside reverse transuptase inhibitors, or NRTI’s to better help an AIDS patient. These drugs are used to block specific proteins in the patient’s cells that the AIDS virus needs to copy itself. So without the ability to reproduce the AIDS virus just stays dormant in the body. The patient is still a carrier of the virus and because of the fact that the virus has not been destroyed, the patient is still perfectly capable of transmitting the virus.

These NRTI’s are being used in Africa to fight mother to child transmission, otherwise known as HIV2. A research study done by the Harvard School of Public Health has shown a decrease of more than 30% over a period of two years using the NRTI called Neveprine. This drug only works in blocking the mother to child transmitted HIV2 and not the sexually transmitted HIV1. The results are still promising though. However, the drug does not offer any added immunity to a protected child after birth. The child is still perfectly capable of contracting the virus through sexual interaction or body fluids just like anyone else. (http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/cbar/)

Another study shows that the introduction of the drug SF 162, another class of drugs called envelope protein vaccines, can actually prevent the AIDS virus from being contracted, even when purposefully administered.

The project was to vaginally insert the AIDS virus into several female Rhesus macaques then administer the SF 162 vaccine. Of course the control of the experiment was to not administer the drug an equal amount of the monkeys who also received the virus. Excitingly enough, the monkeys that received the vaccine did not show any traces of the virus at all. However, because this vaccine is still in the early stages, it still has to be administered almost directly after the introduction of the virus. It is not a one-time vaccination like the ones developed for smallpox and polio. (Barnett SW, Srivastava IK, Kan E, Zhou F, Goodsell A, Cristillo AD, Ferrai MG, Weiss DE, Letvin NL, Montefiori D, Pal R, Vajdy M. Protection of macaques against vaginal SHIV challenge by systemic or mucosal and systemic vaccinations with HIV-envelope. AIDS. 2008 Jan 30;22(3):339-48)

I feel that AIDS research is important to all people. I have heard arguments that the AIDS epidemic is purely a homosexual problem. This is completely unfounded. I stated earlier in the paper that heterosexuals make up for most of the AIDS cases on a global scale. Funneling money out of AIDS research and slowing the speed of the scientific advancements regarding the virus is not a feasible idea.

The United States government gives almost 7 million dollars to AIDS research every year. (www.nih.gov) This is a pathetic amount compared to the fact that the government spends so much money in useless areas such as the war and unnecessary programs.

I think for the larger part of this paper, I’ll need to research ways that the research can be advanced. Whether it be more money for drug research or more staffing on the research projects. I feel that these types of researches are advancing faster than they ever have. The introductions of not only new drugs, but new classes of drugs, are keeping people from dying of the virus.

Still, for the larger paper I expect to find more information on these researches and new drugs. I think that the most important of these so far may be the integrase ihibitors, the ones discussed earlier that block the AIDS from multiplying such as MC 518. I feel that more money should be funneled into research programs and studies for those types of drugs. However the vaccine SF 162 looks promising as a temporary buffer for the virus. It would wonderful to have that on the market as an OTC, but I could see the drug companies and insurance companies trying to make as much money off of something like that as they could. Instead of making it easy for the public to have access to, they would more than likely require multiple doctor visits and exhorbitant amounts of money to receive the antigen, making it unreachable for those without health insurance and people in foreign countries like Africa, India and China. These countries, along with the United States, hold the largest amounts of AIDS and HIV infected people.

I honestly don’t see an opposite side to this topic. I have heard it argued that destroying the AIDS virus would allow people a never before experienced sexual freedom. The argument proposes higher birth rates of unwanted babies. I don’t feel that this is true though. AIDS is just one of many sexually transmitted diseases. People would still have the need for safe sexual practices. I can’t really see a downside to the end of the AIDS threat.

Works Cited

-www.nih.gov

-Barnett SW, Srivastava IK, Kan E, Zhou F, Goodsell A, Cristillo AD, Ferrai MG, Weiss DE, Letvin NL, Montefiori D, Pal R, Vajdy M. Protection of Macaques Against Vaginal SHIV Challenge By Systemic Or Mucosal and Systemic Vaccinations With HIV-envelope. AIDS. 2008 Jan 30;22(3):339-48

-http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/cbar/

-Chase and Goldstein, Emerging Drugs Show Promise Against HIV, The Wallstreet Journal, 2, 2007

-Elledge, Science. 7/ 2007, 389-393

The Battle Isn’t Over By A Long Shot

What is AIDS? Why is taking a look at it important? Who cares? Who is at risk? What happens to them? When people hear or see the word AIDS, many of them shrug it off as something that only happens to gay men and could never happen to them. What is the truth though? If AIDS is as important as I’m making it out to be, then what is being done about it? How did AIDS get started?

I’ll answer all of these questions in this paper. I’m writing this because I really don’t feel that enough people know the answers to these questions. I see this ignorance and lack of awareness as the most dangerous things in modern times. With people contracting the virus and dying from it by the hundreds of thousands, I can’t imagine why people aren’t more concerned about this issue. We’re going to take a look at the issue though: a deep, hard look.

There are as many ways to catch HIV as there are to catch influenza. Blood transfusions, needle sharing, organ transplants, sexual contact, or even an accidental finger prick. So why do people automatically assume that anyone with HIV is gay? According to the research, worldwide, only one out of every 20 HIV positive people is a homosexual. That’s the worldwide figure. In America homosexuals are the majority of HIV positive people. Perhaps our own experience with the virus has changed our view. I’m sure that in Africa, India or China, HIV is not seen as a gay disease

There are over seven hundred million people in the world that have aids and the majority of those people are heterosexual. The United States is the only place where the majority of those people are gay. In India, China, and Africa people are dying rampantly from the aids virus. Hiv type 2 is the most commonly contracted virus in the world, more so than that small pox and the bubonic plague put together. This pandemic has become the most globally important issue in the history in the world. The amount of research in the United States and the amount of money funneled into HIV/ AIDS research makes it seem as thought government doesn’t care.

AIDS began as a strictly simian viral infection. There were several different types within the primate species such as Rhesus Macaque, chimpanzee and P. T. trogladytes. The simian form of the virus was calls SIV, for simian immunodeficiency virus.

During the 1970’s and 1980’s, gay men poured into hospitals and clinics complaining of illnesses that couldn’t be traced or cured. Rampant cancers and untreatable infections were plaguing the gay community. Shortly after, a connection between all of the inflicted people was made and HIV was discovered. Following that, the real problem reared its head. HIV was discovered to develop into a deadly form; AIDS.

In February of 1999, scientists from the University of Alabama discovered the connection between the chimpanzee’s SIVcpz and the human’s HIV. They discovered that the virus had crossed species and infected humans. Somehow, a virus that had been infecting monkeys for years had crossed the line between the species and been able to infect humans. Such a process is called zoonosis.

It wasn’t until 1983 before it was discovered that HIV was being transmitted through heterosexual contact. More rampantly worldwide than homosexual contact. In 1985 it was discovered that mothers could pass the virus to their children.

In the year 2002, the number of cumulative AIDS-related deaths in the United States was over half a million. Half a million people that could have done something with their lives had there been a cure. The time has come for this to stop

AIDS is quickly becoming the worst epidemic that humanity has ever faced. It can kill those that are unfortunate enough to come into contact with it, and also their children. Mother to child contraction is the leading cause of AIDS in Africa today. Although it is completely possible for an HIV positive woman to give birth to an uninfected child, the chances are slim. Because during fetal gestation, the mother and the child share a bloodstream. Scientists aren’t quit sure how an HIV positive mother manages to avoid passing the virus to the child, though it is quite common.

The amount of research being put into the AIDS epidemic is pathetic. No one that can research the virus has the ability to call themselves a philanthropist. The amount of money being funneled into the project is pitiful. Seven million dollars per year. How is that supposed to get us any further to an achievement. The cost for the healthcare of one AIDS patient is half that much. Yet there are almost 500,000 new cases of the virus each year. The rest of the money raised is through fundraisers and charity.

Aside from the obvious medical problems that AIDS and HIV positive people face in their day to day lives, there is also a social stigma attached to those infected with the virus and an economic impact that the treatment, or lack there of, is having on the countries most affected. Countries such as the U.S., India, Africa and China, with the largest numbers of infected persons, have problems that have escalated from “health issues to developmental crises” according to the Secretary General of UNAIDS, the joint United States and United Nations program for HIV and AIDS.

Some examples of these impacts, according to UNAIDS, are absenteeism, replacement workers for those absent, medical cost, governmental programs to treat those with no health insurance, pensions for those with deceased family members, decreased productivity at work, and the market impacts on insurance premiums.

According to the UNAIDS research on the demographics of AIDS infected people, the majority of this group is aged 18-45. That is the age group of the majority of the world’s work force. The economic impacts of having an estimated 40 million people worldwide either unable to work, or soon to be unable to work, is unimaginable.

In the African countries of Namibia, Zimbabwe, Tanzania and South Africa, the damage done to the agricultural industry is millions of dollars each year per country. The industrial impacts are nowhere near as great, but still in the hundreds of thousands of dollars range. Other countries, such as those in Latin America, The Caribbean Islands, Kenya, India and China feel similar effects. Estimates put the dollar amount on the worldwide scale up into the trillions.

The information on the economic damage being done is unlimited. There is no end to the amount of money and manpower being exhausted on AIDS research and the care of AIDS patients. The need for a cure is becoming more and more pressing as both time and the virus progress.

The damages being done by AIDS and HIV are not limited to economic standpoints, but social as well. Social impacts such as the mistreatment of infected people, and misconceptions about the virus and its transmission affect the patients making their lives harder.

According to an AIDS awareness group named AIDS Action, 58% of African Americans and 42% of Caucasian Americans believe that there is a strong chance of contracting HIV during sex between two uninfected gay men. The CDC, The Center for Disease Control, has also found that 19% of all Americans believe that anyone who has contracted the AIDS virus has gotten what they deserve. The CDC also reports that since AIDS was initially believed to have been restricted to the gay community, there is a much lower level of sympathy for gays affected with the virus as opposed to heterosexuals. These types of biases have done nothing more than inflate homophobia within the United States. Studies also show that heterosexual non-Caucasians comprise 60% of the AIDS cases in America. AIDS is the leading cause of death for African Americans aged 25 to 44.

AIDS related stigmas are also a major reason that people at risk aren’t being tested, the largest number of these being heterosexual men. The majority of gay men make annual HIV testing a priority. This was catalyzed when health insurance companies started offering coverage for HIV and STD screenings. However, heterosexual men are not as apt to be tested because they don’t want to be identified as gay. For a lot of people at risk, that’s the only thing keeping them from advanced screening, necessary medical treatment and also preventing them from unknowingly spreading the virus to others. All of that over the unfounded bias that having AIDS will make other people think that they are gay.

In another study done by doctors Hereck and Capitano from the University of California at Davis, telephone interviews were done with non-HIV or AIDS infected peoples. Most of the interviewees responded with some stigma. However, African Americans responded with less negative feelings towards the virus and people infected with it than Caucasians.

As a gay man living in the United States, I find these stereotypes to be a little more worrisome than I assume that most do. With a large amount of people still believing that all gay men have AIDS automatically, I, myself, have been avoided by others. I have even had women pull their children back and tell them that they could catch AIDS from me. Ignorance breeds ignorance though, and those children will grow up believing the same ideals and teaching them to their children.

I think that one of the hardest aspects of dealing with an AIDS-ignorant population, especially here in the “Bible Belt” of America, is the fact that people honestly do believe that gays deserve to catch AIDS. I’ve heard countless discussions about AIDS amid the blue-collar Kentuckians, and most of them have ended the same way. People believe that AIDS is a curse sent by God to punish gay men and women. In actuality, AIDS is a human created virus meant to be used for germ warfare. Instead the virus is killing off humanity more quickly than smallpox and the bubonic plague did combined.

A dear friend of mine is living with HIV. He’s probably the bravest man that I’ll ever know. He has to work at a job that he hates because of the insurance. His medications would cost him around $3,000 per month with no insurance, but even with the insurance it’s still hundreds of dollars out of pocket. He tells me constantly that he’s not afraid of dying. AIDS kills people, not HIV. HIV is the virus that spawnes AIDS. People can live their entire lives HIV positive and never contract AIDS. He never minds talking about his situation with me. He has his ups and downs emotionally, but he always stays hopeful. He’s one of the bravest people that I know, but to some people he just doesn’t matter. Just another gay guy that got what he deserved. I’ve actually had people say to me when I tell them about him.

We now know that calling AIDS a gay disease is complete ignorance. The first cases of AIDS have been traced back to heterosexuals in Africa. Also, it was discovered that AIDS had been brought into America by a heterosexual man from Canada. So AIDS didn’t even start in America within the gay community. It is true, however, that it spread more rampantly through the gay community, because gays are more sexually frivolous than heterosexuals are. Today though, through proper awareness education, the majority of the gay community is more apt to practice safe and protected sexual contact, and receive scheduled HIV screenings.

According to the National Research for AIDS Institute, the United States government donates approximately seven million dollars per year to AIDS research.

That’s less than one sixteenth of what the government spends on cancer research and less than one one hundreth of what is being spent weekly on the war. The rest of the money that is raised yearly is done through fundraisers and charity work. I can’t help but feel that the government really doesn’t care that much about this crisis or that they really don’t see it as a problem.

But how could they not see it as a problem? According to an Internet newspaper called The Earth Times, there are currently five million HIV positive people in Asia. By the year 2020 another eight million Asians are projected to contract the virus. Currenly, 440,000 people die each year from AIDS in Asia, and by the year 2020 AIDS is projected to kill 500,000 people per year in Asia alone!

According to the Baltimore Sun, Ged Kinslea, the spokesman for the AIDS Healthcare Foundation says that we’re no closer to a vaccine for AIDS than we were 20 years ago. He’s right. Nothing that we’ve managed to do so far has done anymore than the medications were doing when the epidemic first started being worked on. The drugs they had then were only keeping the HIV virus from developing into AIDS. All that we’ve managed to do so far is the exact same thing. We’ve been going around in circles trying to keep up with the virus’ mutagenic properties, but we’ve done no more than just deterr the virus. We’ve not cured it or even been able to do much to sway the effects of the virus.

However, a new problem is arising. Third generation HIV contraction. There have already been cases in Africa of mothers passing HIV to there daughters and there daughters passing it to their children. What happens if HIV can be passed through several generations? What happens if an entire continent of people are born with HIV? Or worse, full blown AIDS. Would humanity adapt to the virus, or will it always be lethal?

Something has to be done about this problem right now. More funding, more research, more money, more fundraisers. People have got to get involved in this battle. The stereotypes and disdain have got to be put to rest. People need to understand that they can’t let the world wither away from AIDS and HIV just because they wrongly believe that the contraction is well deserveed.

The fight against AIDS and HIV is nowhere near over. The biggest problem that researchers are facing now is that the medications that are currently being used to fight the virus, are slowly starting to fail. Scientists are desperately searching for new medications to combat the ever-mutating virus.

There is no such thing as a “gay disease” or a “straight disease”. However there is such a thing as a “human disease”. The lines between the gay and straight communities have to be erased. Just as the lines between whites and blacks have been erased for the most part. There will always be some tension between races and cultures and orientations. Racism and homophobia will never be erased, but the ways that people deal with each other must be revamped. This is a central part of dealing with AIDS. It has to be dealt with by humanity. It can’t just be dealt with by gays. It can’t just be dealt with by people who are tolerant of gays. It can’t just be dealt with by people living with the virus. It has to be dealt with by people. People as a whole. Not people separated into groups by color or sexuality.

A plan of action has to be put into place. I personally say stop this stupid war and funnel the billlion dollars per week into research that for the disease that is killing hundreds of thousands of people per year. I say stop the madness of fighting with each other over trivialities and start listening to the heartbeat of humanity. There is no such thing as race or orientation. There is such a thing as mankind though, and the heart of mankind is bleeding through the hole of loss. Family, friends, co-workers, employees, bosses, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, nieces, nephews, grandmothers, grandfathers. It all has to stop.

Although the AIDS virus itself is taking the most morbid toll on the human race, the lack of empathy and socail stigmas that come with it play most of the roles of ingnorance and hinderance. What can we do to stop the pandemic? What actions could we take now to speed along the process of a cure? More charity drives? Less social stigma? How can we make lives easier on people that are infected? Wouldn’t that type of mindset ultimately make life easier on us all? If we could all just realize that AIDS isn’t a gay problem or a black problem or a foreign problem, and understand that it is a human problem, then maybe the battle wouldn’t be so far from over.

Works Cited

Web Sites ( No author or publish date given)

-abcnews.com

-aidsaction.com

-aidsinfo.nih..gov

-ari.ucsf.edu

-earthtimes.org

-hsph.harvard.edu

-niaaa.nih.gov

-niaid.nih.gov

-nlm.nih.gov

-policyproject.com

-sciencentral.com

-sfgate.com

-thebody.com

Journal Articals

AIDS Research and Therepy. Smith, Kimberly. 5:5 ( 28, March. 2003)

American Journal Of Public Health. Herek, Gregory, M. 1993,83 574-577

The New England Journal Of Medicine. Aids and It’s Defeat. Heine, Mark. 7:8 (3 February, 2007)

Newspapers

The Baltimore Sun. U.S. Agency Vows To Back AIDS Study. Emery, Chris. 26 March, 2008

The Los Angeles Times. Setback In AIDS Cure. Jai Rui-Chong, 11, February 2008

The Wallstreet Journal. Emerging Drugs Show Promise Against HIV. Chase and Goldstein. 28 Feb, 2007

I Choose Celibacy

1 May 2008

*cel-i-bate Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation [sel-uh-bit, -beyt] Pronunciation Key – Show IPA Pronunciation

-noun

1. a person who abstains from sexual relations.

2. a person who remains unmarried, esp. for religious reasons.

-adjective

3. observing or pertaining to sexual abstention or religious vow not to marry.

4. not married.

Short blog here today. I feel the need to make a clarification. I have written several blogs on homosexuality and referred to myself as being gay. To me being gay is just my sexual orientation it means nothing else. But I guess to a lot of people the term gay means someone is actually involved in the lifestyle. Maybe I should use the term SSA which stands for Same Sex Attraction which is the politically correct way of saying it. But two things, I’ve never been politically correct. Just a bad habit. And I am so used to the term gay and to me it just means that I am not straight, I am not attracted to the opposite sex.

So with that being cleared up I also want to clear up the fact that while I am not a virgin, I have had sex with both men and women in the past. I have been and I remain to be celibate since March 1995 which is over 13 years now.

I was in an LTR and the Lord called me out of it. The Lord convicted me that it was wrong for me to be in that relationship and I had to make a choice my boyfriend or God. I chose God. I would rather choose God over sex or anything else that this world may have to offer. I was not a happy camper about the situation and I protested. I gave God an ultimatum that He must make me heterosexual within a year and let me get married and have a family of my own and if He didn’t I was going to go back. Well, obviously that one year has turned into 13 years. And I see that God is not going to make me straight and I see that I am not going to have a family of my own. I was 33 years old when I broke off with my boyfriend, I am now 46 years old. And while I realize that for a man he is never too old to have children. I can tell you to rest assured at my age I do not want an infant waking me up in the middle of the night crying. So for me it’s too late.

I realize that I have options and some of them are tempting. Such as I can leave my religious beliefs completely and live the gay life. Or, I can go to a gay friendly church and carry on in a gay relationship as well as being a Christian at the same time. I can stay in my current church and have a secret love affair. But I do not want any of these. Especially the last one because while I may be able to fool man I cannot fool God. God is all knowing and He will know if I am in an active relationship or not and I do not want to take that chance.

So, my last option is to remain celibate. I have included the meaning of celibate at the beginning of this blog because I realize a lot of folks do not know what it really means. I have chosen to not have sex, no sex with men or women for the rest of my life unless God sees fit to make me heterosexual and I get married. I believe that sex is sacred and is only for the marriage bed whether a person is gay or straight sex outside of marriage is wrong.

This is not an easy life to live. I hate being alone. I hate not having a companion. I hate not being able to have sex. There’s just so many negatives to being celibate. But the benefits are going to be well worth it when I die and come face to face with my maker. Yes I lived in sin for years but I have also made the choice to change my ways and follow His lead. The only way I could have and the only way I can remain celibate is with the help of Jesus Christ. There is no way I could do this in the flesh. This is most assuredly a spiritual thing. My flesh battles me all the way each and every day. If I did not have the promise of God, if I was not filled with God’s Holy Spirit there is no way I would be able to remain celibate. There is no way I would be able to remain this faithful.

Do I ever want to give up? You betcha!! And I come close many times of just chucking the whole thing and going back. Egypt looks so good when you’re in the desert and I fight God on this tooth and nail. But I have given Him my will and ask Him not to let me win when I battle Him. Because the truth is I don’t want to give in. But at the same time I do fight Him at times and when those times come I will argue with and get mad at Him. But He is a big God and He can handle my little temper tantrums.

So if my blogs have given you the impression that I am currently sexually active this is not true and I apologize for not being clear on that. But I cannot stop calling myself gay because this is just pushing myself back into the closet. I am gay, I am not straight. I am attracted to men, I am not attracted to women. I realize to a lot of people the term Gay Christian is an oxymoron and it just doesn’t go together. That is ok, the way I prefer to say it is that “I am a Christian man who happens to be gay.” I am a Christian first and foremost. God comes first in my life for everything. Being gay is very much a part of me and I will not deny it anymore. However, I am not living the gay life.

So, for now…

*American Psychological Association (APA):

celibate. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved May 01, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/celibate

46 And Still Confused

I think today I’m going to write about my feelings of confusion. I am very confused about this whole gay thing and everything I’m reading and seeing and hearing is only making me more confused. Of course my feelings don’t help me any but I’ve always had fickle feelings and I’ve always lived by my feelings. I do not want to live by my feelings this time, this time I want to do the right thing but I honestly do not know what that is.

 

I joined a website quite a while ago, maybe one year ago or there abouts. It is a gay Christian website. Now I know to some of you “gay Christian” is an oxymoron it was for me at first too. I could never reconcile my faith with my sexual orientation. Therefore I always kept them separate. I’m very good at keeping certain parts of my life in boxes and deny parts of myself. This all goes along with the mental disorders that I struggle with as well as the fact that I have such a strong religious belief system that I just cannot reconcile homosexuality and Christianity. But the bottom line is I must reconcile them because I am both. I am a Christian and I am a homosexual and the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is to try and reconcile these two extremes.

 

On this website that I belong to they have two sides they have a Side A and a Side B. Side A are gay Christians who believe that it is ok with God if they live in a monogamous relationship with one partner for the rest of their lives. They have no problem living this way because there is no alternative for them. The Side B folks believe that while we are gay and cannot change our orientation that the Bible is inerrant and therefore sex is only for the marriage bed between two heterosexual people of the opposite sex. So Side B believes that their only option is to live a celibate life.

 

Before I came to this website I believed that there were only two options, either you’re gay or you’re straight. I never knew about these other alternatives. But as with everything else in my life I am a very naïve person and it took me many years to discover these things.

 

My own story goes something like this, 13 years ago I was in a gay relationship and I felt the Lord calling me out of that relationship. I felt it was wrong and God wanted me to terminate the relationship. I believed with all my heart God was going to make me straight and I would get married and have a family of my own. I gave God one year to deliver me from homosexuality and if He didn’t then I was going to go back into the lifestyle because I was not going to live my life alone. Well, that one year has turned into 13 years and I am still single and have not had a relationship since the last one. I have never inappropriately touched another human being since my last day of that relationship. I have remained celibate and I tried everything under the sun that was out there to try and become straight. I thought I had to work at it. So I did just that. I went to several Christian psychiatrists all of whom promised me they could make me straight if I followed their advice. I did this for several years and nothing happened. In the mean time I also joined support groups and read lots and lots of books on the topic. As I have already said, I truly believed with all my heart that God would make me straight and that I would get married and have a family of my own. That was and always had been my dream and I thought by God’s calling me out of the gay relationship that it was finally my turn to get delivered. But like everything else in my spiritual life it didn’t come to pass and I got angry with God. I felt betrayed and lied to.

 

I did not give up on the support groups during these years nor did I give up on reading books. I did give up on the Christian psychiatrists after several years and started seeing a secular psychiatrist because I have some real mental disabilities that need a doctor’s attention and I had to work through these issues and get on the correct medications.

 

I have always hated myself and my life because I was gay. I knew I was gay, yet a part of me denied it. I just could not accept it. I wanted to be a Christian much more than I wanted to be gay so I kept denying my homosexual feelings and remained celibate and alone all these years. I have become a recluse over the years and since I have become disabled I have become a total recluse. I have one very good friend and a couple of friends that I have contact with every now and then, but that is it. The majority of my time is spent alone here at the computer. I do not have a social life and the longer I stay aloof the harder it is for me to get back into socializing and connecting with people.

 

Anyway some things happened and because of these circumstances I began to question what is the truth. I really did not know. Does God want me to become straight? Is He going to deliver me or can I go back into the gay lifestyle? I just don’t know. After doing much studying digging and researching I only found myself more confused than anything else. A movie came out called “for the BIBLE tells me so” and I bought this movie and watched it. This really made me begin to wonder if I am meant to be alone or if I can share my life with somebody. You see what I have neglected to write about is the fact that I finally came to the conclusion at the age of 46 years old that it is too late for God to make me straight and get married and have a family of my own. So that option is out, what are my other options? I don’t really have too many and I am not getting any younger so I have to figure this thing out now.

 

Around Christmas time well long before this, I felt the Lord convicting me that I have to tell my family that I struggle with being gay. But my argument was that I am living a celibate life so what difference does it make? I couldn’t understand His reasoning nor could I understand why I was feeling such a conviction. But around Christmas time I finally came to the conclusion that I have to come out to my family and close friends not for their benefit not for their curiosity but for my benefit. By telling them it forces me to accept the fact that I am gay. I cannot deny it to myself if I don’t deny it to anybody else. So now I see the benefit in telling the family and few friends that I am gay. I am just learning to accept the fact that I am gay and will remain so until I die. It is not a choice, I do not know if I was born gay or made gay but that is irrelevant the fact is, I am gay and I did not choose it. If I chose it that would be silly because I have hated myself my whole life to the point of attempting suicide many times over. I felt I was better off dead than I was alive and defective. I thought for sure God hated me because I am gay and He just is not delivering me from this awful sin.

 

But after joining this gay Christian website I am learning that I am not alone. There are thousands upon thousands of other gay Christians who experience these same thoughts and feelings as I do. It is so amazing. It feels so good not to be alone, not to struggle alone. It feels so good to find a crowd of people who understand me and can relate to me and I can relate to them.

 

As I am learning to accept the fact that I am gay and I will probably always be gay I am having all kinds of questions and they are leaving me very confused. I do not want to grow old alone. I do not want to die alone. I do not want to live the rest of my life alone. This leaves me with a huge dilemma because the church will accept me as long as I remain celibate but they will not accept me if I have a relationship with another man. So once again reconciling my faith and my sexuality is at odds with each other and I cannot reconcile the two. What do I do? On the one hand I do not want to give up my religious beliefs and I believe I do not have to. I believe that God loves me despite the fact that I am gay. I wrote a blog about this already. And on the other hand I feel I cannot practice my faith if I do get involved with a partner. So what is a man to do?

 

I see a couple of alternatives. I can have a secret relationship. I can leave the church. Or I can remain celibate. I have lived the later for 13 years now and I must admit it is much less tempting than my other alternatives. It is very hard to live alone it is very hard to live without love.

 

I just do not know what to do. I guess I rambled on and on in this blog and I have not drawn any conclusions but at least I got my feelings put out there. Maybe if I read this I can see an answer. Or maybe if somebody else reads this they can show me things that I do not see. I realize I have written way too much and I do not know how many of you will have read this to its end. Therefore I am going to conclude here. I may re-read this blog and continue on the same topic, or I’ll re-read it and see that I have said enough. Either way this is a battle that is not over yet. I am in the midst of it and I am very, very confused. I am 46 years old, I am not getting any younger and I need to make a decision soon. I am looking for an answer directly from God Himself because I am tired of listening to man. Man has let me down my entire life. It’s time I look to the one and true God for the answer. My problem with this is will He give me an answer or am I going to remain with these questions over my head and be stuck with making a decision that will ultimately send me to hell?

He Already Knew

Some of you know my full testimony while some of you do not. So please indulge me for a minute to discuss one very important part of my testimony because it is very relevant to this time in my life.

 In my early 20’s while I was still a baby Christian I was preparing to make another attempt at suicide. It was early Saturday afternoon I had everything ready and I was on my knees praying when my room got very heavy. It was very oppressive. I did not know what was going on but I decided to lie on the bed for a few minutes.

 The next thing I remember is waking up and crying, crying like a baby. I just could not stop the tears. I had just had an encounter with the Lord and it left me feeling so loved and so wanted that I could not stop crying.

 While in His presence I had both my hands out in front of me and He placed a piece of gold in my hands. It was gold that was so pure I could see threw it and He said to me “You are more precious to me than this gold.” I do not know if there was more said or not but that is all I remember and that is what I remember crying about when I woke up. It was so real, so vivid I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was in the presence of the Lord Himself.

 The odd part about the whole thing is it was now Sunday afternoon. He brought me through the whole time period that I had planned to take my life and He also spoke with me. This was just too much I could not bear it and so I just kept crying.

As I said, I was a baby Christian at the time it wasn’t until a few years later that I read a passage of scripture that verified my vision to be authentic.

“I will make a man more precious than fine gold;” Isaiah 13:12 KJVR

I’d say for the past several months now I have been going through a period of hell. There is no other word to describe what I’ve been going through. One of the many issues I have to deal with is the fact that I am gay. I am now 46 years old and I have been denying it since I realized it when I was a teen. I always believed that God would deliver me and allow me to get married and have my own family. But things have happened and I realize my age and I realize that now it is just too late for my dreams to ever come true.

 I have tried everything I know of to become straight. All the methods, read a ton of the books, went through Christian therapy went through support groups anything and everything you can think of but nothing has changed me. I am still as gay today as I was when I realized it as a teenager.

 So that aside, one of the things I have to do is realize and accept the fact that I am gay and I probably will be the rest of my life. I have to accept this part of myself or I will never be a complete man. It is very hard to accept something that you don’t want to, it is very hard to accept something that you have lived in denial with for so many years. But accept it I must if I choose to become the man God wants me to be.

For many years I have argued with God about telling my family. I figured two things first I didn’t believe that my sex life was anybody else’s business. And second why do I need to tell them when I am living a celibate life. But recently God convinced and convicted me that I must tell them. It is the only way I am going to accept it myself. I did not tell them for their benefits, I did not tell them to satisfy their curiosity I told them to help me accept the fact that I am gay. It is kind of like if I stop lying about it then I have to accept the truth for myself.

 Anyway, I finally sat down and wrote the family and a few friends a letter telling them I am gay. For the most part there wasn’t much of a hassle or much trouble. A lot of them already knew and others it just didn’t seem to affect them one way or the other. But for me it did a world of good because now I cannot deny the fact that I am gay.

 What I am leading up to is this. I am having such a hard time with myself and with my relationship with God right now. But one of the things the Lord has shown me is this and to me it is an epiphany. According to the Bible Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the Alpha and Omega the Beginning and the End. My being gay is no surprise to Him. He already knew. He knew I was gay when He gave me that vision those 20 some odd years ago.

 So with that being the case my trouble verse that God hated Esau in Romans is put to rest. God does not hate me because I am gay, He loves me I am more precious to Him than fine gold. How do I know this? Because He told me Himself and my telling Him now that I am gay is not a surprise to Him He already knew that before He ever even thought to give me that vision.

 This is all being done for my benefit not His. He is not surprised He is not angry He is not shocked because He already knew. And this goes for everything Folks. There is nothing we can do or say that is going to shock the Lord because He already knew. That is just so awesome to me that I cannot grasp the full meaning of it yet. But I felt the need to share this with the hope that it might help somebody else. There is nothing you can say or do that is going to change the way He feels about you because He already knows. Amen. 

PS

As a side note for you guys that do not know me. I left the gay life 13 years ago. I have lived a celibate life since then and I plan on living a celibate life the rest of my life. So, I am not coming out “per se” so that I can go and live the gay life. This is not my intent. My intent is to accept that part of myself as well instead of living a double life, a lie. I just need to be open and honest with those close to me and so that I can be open and honest with myself and become one whole human being.