Posts Tagged ‘Eternity’

Desesperado

{ 9 November 2009 @ 3:03 pm } · { Life, christianity }
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9 November 2009

I am 48 y/o and have been single my entire life. I have been in a few relationships but none that lasted for any real amount of time. I’ve had about 2 or 3 long time close friendships over the years but that’s about it. When I quit drinking and got serious about being a Christian at the age of 22 I gave up most, if not all, of my friends. And from that time forward I have basically been alone. The few long term friendships I had ended around the age of 30. So, for the past 18 years or so I have basically done it all, all alone. I do have one friend now. I think we are pretty good friends but it really is not everything that I need. He is much older than me, is married has children and grandchildren, so I get very little time with him. The few times that I really, really needed somebody to talk to or help me during a crisis, he wasn’t around and I had to wait. This was very hard. Don’t get me wrong, this man is wonderful and would give me the shirt off his back. He just has many other obligations. But through all of this I have learned that when they say no man is or can be an island, this is not true. I am and have been an island all of my life. I have nobody I can count on or turn to or lean on. Nobody that would be there in a heartbeat should I need that. I am basically in this world alone.

I do see a psychiatrist on a weekly basis. I have been seeing psychiatrists since I was 17 y/o. My current doctor has been my psychiatrist for a good 10-15 years now. He knows very little about me. He knows more about me than probably anybody else, but he knows very little. We mostly talk about current issues, current crisis’s and a little about my history and how to connect certain behaviours with incidents of my past.

I do have a few friendships/relationships online and have had several that lasted a good amount of time over the years. And I tend to be more open and honest online because I am hiding behind a screen. But none-the-less, even these friends do not really know me. They only know the parts I am willing to share.

So, what I don’t understand is for a few years there in my early-mid 40’s I did go through a mid-life crisis and I think that is pretty much over with. But I have reached another landmark in my life and I honestly do not know where to turn. I have questions about life that I need answered. I have questions about God, religion, my faith, life especially my life in particular and I cannot for the life of me find one person I can turn to.

I have been very upset these past few days and especially after the sermon on Sunday morning this week. I cried a little at church but tried to hide it because I obviously did not want anybody to see me. But here alone I am very lachrymose and quite lugubrious.

I sent out a desperate email yesterday but, as usual, it either wasn’t taken seriously or it wasn’t known how to be handled. So, it looks like it just got ignored or pushed under the carpet as all my problems do with folks.

This really makes me feel like I am insignificant, invisible and unwanted. I have tried to engage two Christians who I thought could help me but neither seem very interested and the subject has been dropped. I cannot talk to my friend about this and I cannot go to my pastor because he doesn’t like me.

What I want to know is; where is God? He obviously knows all that is going on. He knows my needs, desires, wants and wishes. Yet, He has left me as an island my entire life and He’s not even there for me. Then, I often have to wonder why is it wrong if I end it all? I have tried many times, but obviously none were successful. It’s like I was created to do all this alone and I am being forced to live this life, like it or not. To be quite honest, I am not looking forward to eternity. I know, because it’s what I believe, that we live forever. Either eternally in hell or eternally in heaven but I honestly don’t want either. And obviously, since I believe this way I hope to spend it in heaven, but that just is not appealing to me. I don’t want it. I just want everything to end. It will never end. I can’t grasp that. I can’t comprehend that. I can’t fathom that. It will never end.

So, for now…

Where Am I Going

{ 23 May 2009 @ 4:00 pm } · { Life }
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23 May 2009

 I think I’m just going to rant. I have been trying to take a nap to no avail and my brain is running a mile a minute. I have been thinking about many things I’d like to say in my blog. I have written the blog several times in my head. But now that I’m sitting here to type, I have no clue how I had it all planned out. It’s weird how I do that, I think about it and I know what I want to say but then when I sit down I can’t say what I wanted.

 Anyway at 48 years old I’ve been going through a lot of different things. Emotions, thoughts, etc. and I have attributed it to my Mid-life Crisis. I read a book about it. It seems I’m at the age, but the problem is, I’ve been suffering with this for a few years now. Some days it’s much worse than others.

 Also, I suffer from severe clinical depression so I think those thoughts and feelings don’t help matters much. I have been giving a lot of thought and feelings into where I’m at in life, what I want, where I’m going, etc. and I thought I’d try to put it in writing maybe to help me make some sense of things.

 I have told my doctor a few weeks ago how I’m feeling and he said we need to work on things. So, we’re supposed to work through some of this stuff but it seems topics always change and I don’t get to the heart of the issue. Like I said, I’ve been dealing with this for a few years now and I really haven’t gotten anywhere.

 I have no purpose for life, no reason to be here. I really do not want to be here. I never have. If you really knew me, you’d know I’ve attempted suicide many times over the years. I’ve never been meant to live on this planet. I don’t belong here and never have and at 48 years old I can say I doubt I ever will be.

 There is a lot of pent up anger in my system and I often try to figure out who I’m angry at. I tend to always end up back at being angry with God. It seems He always gets the brunt of my anger. But today, I’m trying not to be angry at God I don’t think I can blame Him for how I feel. I’ve just never appreciated life, I’ve never seen the appeal and I’ve never really wanted to be a part.

 As most of you know, I’m elusive, aloof, eccentric and quirky in many ways. I guess growing older by oneself and living alone for many years one just builds up a lot of peculiarities that the average person doesn’t get.

 Anyway, I honestly don’t see that I have a purpose in life. I have never really accomplished anything. And what I wanted most out of life never came to pass and it’s way too late for it to happen so I don’t see any reason for life to continue.

 Most of my life has been living a lie, living to hide, living in fear of being found out. I didn’t actually come out about my homosexuality until I was 46 years old to anybody and I still haven’t fully accepted it myself. I try to, I talk about it, I joke about it and I try to make the best of it. But I am so strong in my faith that there just isn’t any room for it and it really just gets in my way. It’s a part of myself I have always hated and I’m quite sure that I will always hate it. I’ve never wanted to be gay and I have lived as straight a life as I could. I really never got involved with too many men and when I did it was only for a few years. My conscience really didn’t allow me to get into it. Plus, I was so afraid of being found out that I just had to keep things quiet and to myself. It’s very hard to live a double life and even harder when you have such strong faith as I do.

 I’m not going to rehash all the ex-gay stuff except to say I spent many years of my life in the ex-gay ministries only to find that it didn’t help and I think it only hurt. And I would tell any young Christian who happens to find himself gay to avoid such a ministry because all it does is make you hate yourself all the more. It makes you feel that you’re just not good enough for God’s love because God never changes you. While you are promised a change, it never happens. I’ve never seen it happen and I know from personal experience it doesn’t happen.

 But here I am at 48 and I keep thinking I have nothing to live for. And truthfully, I don’t. There’s nothing here for me. I don’t do anything exciting, I don’t have any desires to do anything exciting. I never accomplished much with my life and now I am on disability so I spend much of my time home alone.

 The one thing I’ve always wanted was my own family. I wanted a lot of children I wanted a wife and a family. I wanted to prove that I could love them and take care of them as a real man. But I never had that opportunity because I am gay and God never saw fit to make me straight.

 So now, what do I have? I should have grownup children. I should be a grand-father. But, it didn’t happen. I look at the younger generation and I always think to myself, I should have children their age. I think of all the joy that I’ve missed out on. All the love that I’ve missed out on and especially all the love I should be getting now at my age by being a grand-father. I would give anything to have grand-children running around me, sitting on my lap, crawling on me, etc. It hurts, it hurts real badly and I don’t think I can explain to anybody just how I feel about this.

 And even if I went looking for a significant other, a partner, I don’t see that bringing any lasting happiness or real purpose in my life. I’m old, set in my ways and I’d feel too guilty. I’m too set in my religious ways. And it would in no way fill the longing I have for children and a family of my own.

 So, even if there are a few more things I want to do with my life I do not see any of them giving me a reason to want to stick around. I don’t want to stick around. Life just is not nor has ever been worth living. Life has never shown me anything that made me want to stay here.

 But now another dilemma that I have is that I believe in a heaven and hell. And I believe we go to either one place or the other. Hopefully, I am going to go to heaven. I mean, who doesn’t hope that, right. We all want to go to heaven. I know it’s not going to be by my good works but it’s going to be on my faith. One cannot please God without faith and it is only by Grace that one is saved and not by works lest any man should boast. So, I think I have that part pretty well settled and I am pretty sure if I were to die I will go to heaven. I mean, as long as the promises in the Holy Bible are true, then I am headed in the right direction. When I meet St. Peter all I have to say to him is that I get to enter heaven not on my own merits but on the merits of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. And if the Holy Bible is true, then I’m all set.

 But now here’s yet another problem. I believe that whether a person goes to heaven or hell that it is for eternity. I believe that once the human spirit is born it is eternal. I do not believe in annihilation and the thought of living for eternity just does not appeal to me. Ugh! Can you just imagine having to live forever? I just don’t want it. There is no end, no end to any of this and it really just depresses me all the more. Even if I were to attempt and succeed at suicide, I’d still have to face God and I’d still have to live forever. What’s a man to do? Seriously, what is a man to do? I don’t want any of this. I didn’t ask for any of it. But, I’m stuck with it. I’m trying my best to make the best of things, but I just cannot help it when my brain starts running away with these thoughts and the feelings they bring on are just overpowering sometimes.

 As a side note, this is not a suicide note. I have no plans on attempting suicide at this time. So no worries, ok. Some folks have “one of those days” well I’ve just got “one of those lives”. And I’m not quite sure what to do with it. And as strong as my faith in God is, He doesn’t talk to me so I don’t really get much help there. I just hope and pray that I can endure to the end.

 So for now…