Where Am I Going

23 May 2009

 I think I’m just going to rant. I have been trying to take a nap to no avail and my brain is running a mile a minute. I have been thinking about many things I’d like to say in my blog. I have written the blog several times in my head. But now that I’m sitting here to type, I have no clue how I had it all planned out. It’s weird how I do that, I think about it and I know what I want to say but then when I sit down I can’t say what I wanted.

 Anyway at 48 years old I’ve been going through a lot of different things. Emotions, thoughts, etc. and I have attributed it to my Mid-life Crisis. I read a book about it. It seems I’m at the age, but the problem is, I’ve been suffering with this for a few years now. Some days it’s much worse than others.

 Also, I suffer from severe clinical depression so I think those thoughts and feelings don’t help matters much. I have been giving a lot of thought and feelings into where I’m at in life, what I want, where I’m going, etc. and I thought I’d try to put it in writing maybe to help me make some sense of things.

 I have told my doctor a few weeks ago how I’m feeling and he said we need to work on things. So, we’re supposed to work through some of this stuff but it seems topics always change and I don’t get to the heart of the issue. Like I said, I’ve been dealing with this for a few years now and I really haven’t gotten anywhere.

 I have no purpose for life, no reason to be here. I really do not want to be here. I never have. If you really knew me, you’d know I’ve attempted suicide many times over the years. I’ve never been meant to live on this planet. I don’t belong here and never have and at 48 years old I can say I doubt I ever will be.

 There is a lot of pent up anger in my system and I often try to figure out who I’m angry at. I tend to always end up back at being angry with God. It seems He always gets the brunt of my anger. But today, I’m trying not to be angry at God I don’t think I can blame Him for how I feel. I’ve just never appreciated life, I’ve never seen the appeal and I’ve never really wanted to be a part.

 As most of you know, I’m elusive, aloof, eccentric and quirky in many ways. I guess growing older by oneself and living alone for many years one just builds up a lot of peculiarities that the average person doesn’t get.

 Anyway, I honestly don’t see that I have a purpose in life. I have never really accomplished anything. And what I wanted most out of life never came to pass and it’s way too late for it to happen so I don’t see any reason for life to continue.

 Most of my life has been living a lie, living to hide, living in fear of being found out. I didn’t actually come out about my homosexuality until I was 46 years old to anybody and I still haven’t fully accepted it myself. I try to, I talk about it, I joke about it and I try to make the best of it. But I am so strong in my faith that there just isn’t any room for it and it really just gets in my way. It’s a part of myself I have always hated and I’m quite sure that I will always hate it. I’ve never wanted to be gay and I have lived as straight a life as I could. I really never got involved with too many men and when I did it was only for a few years. My conscience really didn’t allow me to get into it. Plus, I was so afraid of being found out that I just had to keep things quiet and to myself. It’s very hard to live a double life and even harder when you have such strong faith as I do.

 I’m not going to rehash all the ex-gay stuff except to say I spent many years of my life in the ex-gay ministries only to find that it didn’t help and I think it only hurt. And I would tell any young Christian who happens to find himself gay to avoid such a ministry because all it does is make you hate yourself all the more. It makes you feel that you’re just not good enough for God’s love because God never changes you. While you are promised a change, it never happens. I’ve never seen it happen and I know from personal experience it doesn’t happen.

 But here I am at 48 and I keep thinking I have nothing to live for. And truthfully, I don’t. There’s nothing here for me. I don’t do anything exciting, I don’t have any desires to do anything exciting. I never accomplished much with my life and now I am on disability so I spend much of my time home alone.

 The one thing I’ve always wanted was my own family. I wanted a lot of children I wanted a wife and a family. I wanted to prove that I could love them and take care of them as a real man. But I never had that opportunity because I am gay and God never saw fit to make me straight.

 So now, what do I have? I should have grownup children. I should be a grand-father. But, it didn’t happen. I look at the younger generation and I always think to myself, I should have children their age. I think of all the joy that I’ve missed out on. All the love that I’ve missed out on and especially all the love I should be getting now at my age by being a grand-father. I would give anything to have grand-children running around me, sitting on my lap, crawling on me, etc. It hurts, it hurts real badly and I don’t think I can explain to anybody just how I feel about this.

 And even if I went looking for a significant other, a partner, I don’t see that bringing any lasting happiness or real purpose in my life. I’m old, set in my ways and I’d feel too guilty. I’m too set in my religious ways. And it would in no way fill the longing I have for children and a family of my own.

 So, even if there are a few more things I want to do with my life I do not see any of them giving me a reason to want to stick around. I don’t want to stick around. Life just is not nor has ever been worth living. Life has never shown me anything that made me want to stay here.

 But now another dilemma that I have is that I believe in a heaven and hell. And I believe we go to either one place or the other. Hopefully, I am going to go to heaven. I mean, who doesn’t hope that, right. We all want to go to heaven. I know it’s not going to be by my good works but it’s going to be on my faith. One cannot please God without faith and it is only by Grace that one is saved and not by works lest any man should boast. So, I think I have that part pretty well settled and I am pretty sure if I were to die I will go to heaven. I mean, as long as the promises in the Holy Bible are true, then I am headed in the right direction. When I meet St. Peter all I have to say to him is that I get to enter heaven not on my own merits but on the merits of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. And if the Holy Bible is true, then I’m all set.

 But now here’s yet another problem. I believe that whether a person goes to heaven or hell that it is for eternity. I believe that once the human spirit is born it is eternal. I do not believe in annihilation and the thought of living for eternity just does not appeal to me. Ugh! Can you just imagine having to live forever? I just don’t want it. There is no end, no end to any of this and it really just depresses me all the more. Even if I were to attempt and succeed at suicide, I’d still have to face God and I’d still have to live forever. What’s a man to do? Seriously, what is a man to do? I don’t want any of this. I didn’t ask for any of it. But, I’m stuck with it. I’m trying my best to make the best of things, but I just cannot help it when my brain starts running away with these thoughts and the feelings they bring on are just overpowering sometimes.

 As a side note, this is not a suicide note. I have no plans on attempting suicide at this time. So no worries, ok. Some folks have “one of those days” well I’ve just got “one of those lives”. And I’m not quite sure what to do with it. And as strong as my faith in God is, He doesn’t talk to me so I don’t really get much help there. I just hope and pray that I can endure to the end.

 So for now…

Sorry

Just a very short blog entry here for now. I’m sorry that I have not been keeping up with the blog. I am truly in a deep dark depression at this time and I’m finding it very hard to just manage each day. I do not have the will or energy to write any blogs at this time. I hope that the depression will subside soon and that I will get back into this again. But for now, please bear with me. And if you are a person who prays, I would appreciate your prayers. I’m in a very bad place right now. So I apologize for my absence. I’m not ignoring the blog per se, I just don’t have it in me right now.

Thanks for understanding.

corey

Catch-up

16 August 2008

 

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog so I thought I’d write something short and sweet today just to let you know I’m still here. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with this depression. There’s no real reason for it other than it’s simply a disease that I suffer with. My doctor is trying me on some new medication so I’m hoping that works. I haven’t been to bed in two nights. I can’t seem to get good sleep. Yet just a few days ago I was going through a spell that sleep was all I was doing. It’s crazy I go from one extreme to the other.

 

Anyway, one thing that I am pretty happy about is I found a new preacher that I’ve been listening to and I find him spot on. His name is Paul Washer and man is he good. He says it like it is. I needed to hear from this man. He put me in my place and I know now what I need to do. I need to get serious on serving God and seeking after God. Things aren’t going to change until I make the effort to seek after God and God reveals Himself to me. I have some hope that what this preacher was saying is going to work. I don’t know how long it’s going to take and I sure hope I don’t give up. Because I want to serve the God this man was talking about. This is the kind of Christianity that I want.

 

I got a new tattoo just the other day. It took two sittings over a week period. It is on my right forearm and it is the Last Supper. It’s an original drawing and it’s excellent. I’m very pleased with it. It takes up my whole forearm and of all my tattoo’s it was by far the most painful. It still hurts. But the guy told me it’s because I have such fair soft skin and it’s in such a tender spot but he assured me that it would stop hurting after about four days or so. If I knew how to imbed a picture into the blog I would but I don’t know how to do that, sorry. So I can’t show you. But trust me, it came out really very nice. I’m very pleased with it. Which is kind of good because I’m stuck with it for the rest of my life, LOL.

 

I really don’t have a lot more to say because the depression has really been playing a big role in my life and I don’t have anything exciting to write about. But I figured I best write something. I kept meaning to but I kept putting it off. You know how it is when you’re depressed. I try not to act depressed so most folks don’t know when I’m suffering. I’m very good at hiding it but people don’t know the hell that I go through on the inside. It’s horrible and I don’t wish it on anybody.

 

So I guess that’s about all I have for now. Short and sweet. But at least you know I’m still around. Hopefully I’ll get back into the swing of things soon.

 

So, for now…

Depression

06 July 2008

I have suffered depression my entire adult life and looking back I believe that I suffered depression since childhood. I have been diagnosed with several mental disorders but the one that affects me most is the chronic severe clinical depression. I take so many medications it’s unbelievable. Everytime I try to stop taking the meds is when I take a swing so low that it often leads to near suicide if not an attempted suicide. I finally reached a point that I realized that I just have to take the meds no matter what. It was described to me like somebody who has diabetes, they just can’t go without insulin and I just can’t go without anti-depressants. I also take anti-psychotic meds and when I don’t take those I hear voices. I don’t generally admit this to very many people but here I am admitting it to the world. I guess it’s nothing to be ashamed about it’s not my fault and it’s a true disorder.

I have been in therapy my entire adult life of one form or another. My first attempted suicide I was 17 years old. And it’s been since then that I have been seeing psychiatrists and counselors. I was having an online/ongoing conversation with a nurse and he suggested that I try a therapist. I asked him what the difference was and he told me that a therapist helps you deal with issues. They know how to work through things. I don’t know if I can explain it the way he explained it to me. But I am going to look for a therapist. I have nothing to lose.

Back in 2003 at my last suicide attempt I was admitted to the hospital. It was against my will and I don’t remember most of it. Most of what I know about it is from what others have told me. Anyway, what they did to me I remember pretty much and I hated it and I swear they’ll never do that to me again. They put me threw ECT’s or electric shock therapy. This has to be the most barbaric thing that is still done in modern day medicine. And as I said, they will never do that to me again. It erased all my memory and it has altered my brain to the point that I am not nearly as smart as I used to be. I feel like a stupid ass idiot most of the time now. I used to be so smart and I had such a good memory. When I worked I was a CFO and I was very good with numbers. Now I can’t even add 2 + 2 in my head. Yeah, a bit of an exaggeration there but I cannot do numbers in my head anymore and that was a talent of mine. If it had to do with numbers I could do it but not anymore. Now I need a calculator and/or a pen and paper to figure things out. I was so good at algebra and now I can’t even comprehend it. So if you’re ever offered ECT’s I’d suggest you refuse them. They did no permanent good and only caused permanent damage, IMHO.

Anyway, I have been struggling lately with this depression and I have not altered my medication. Generally speaking when I get like this it’s because I alter my medication to suit myself instead of following instructions. But it just isn’t right that I have to take so many pills. I hate it. Sometimes I take so many that I gag trying to swallow them. I realize I should split them and take them in two gulps but I’d rather just swallow them all at once.

Well, I think this round of depression has been for quite a while now, since I decided it was time to sell the house. Well actually well before then because that was the main reason I decided to sell the house. It just got too much for me to handle. Anyway, I have my days where I’m not so bad and I have my days where I’m really bad. And it seems like the really bad days nobody is around to help me out. I know it’s just a matter of time before I attempt suicide again. I am thinking this time of getting myself a gun so that I can do it right. Most times I would have died when I attempted but the damn doctors try so hard to save me and so far they have succeeded. Which pisses me off because if I want to be dead who are they to make the decision to keep me alive.

I am afraid to tell my psychiatrist just how depressed I am so I lie to him. I am afraid he is going to put me back into the hospital and/or require me to go threw more ECT’s that I just don’t want him to know just how bad I really am. I know when I admit to being more than just a little depressed he starts pushing the day program and I just don’t want to go through that. I wasn’t comfortable there and I didn’t feel like it helped me any. I honestly don’t know if my depression can be “talked out” because it seems I’ve been talking it out for years and I still suffer from it. I think it truly is just a disease that I have and nothing is going to cure it.

Anyway, I’m writing about the depression today because I am very depressed. I don’t know why. I just feel like the world is against me. I just don’t belong here. I hate it here and I can’t wait until I am dead. Sometimes I feel I have to take matters into my own hands because if I wait on God He’s not going to let me die. I learned that from a little kid. Since I was very young, I used to pray every single night to Jesus to let me die. And in the morning I would wake up and I would be so angry at God for making me go through yet another day.

I have never been a happy person, not even as a child. I do not know what happiness really is. I don’t think I would know it if it slapped me in the face. The best way I can describe it is I’ve had such a miserable life which has had moments of pleasure sprinkled in just enough to keep me going. But at times like this it just isn’t enough to keep me going. And when I get like I am today I want so badly to cry, I can feel the tears just waiting to start pouring out. Yet, I cannot cry. I think if I could cry it would do me a world of good but I can’t.

Well, I could go on and on about the depression but I don’t want it to sound like a pity party. It really is not, I’m just trying to describe where I’ve been lately and where I find myself today. I went to church and Sunday school this morning. I visited my parents after church. Yet, I just feel so awful. I just want it done and over with.

Well, that’s my blog for today. So if you feel so inclined please say a prayer for me. I sure could use it. Depression is so debilitating and I honestly don’t know what, if anything, triggers it off. Most of the time I have no good reason for being depressed I just am. And that’s where I’m at today. Just plain depressed and I have not altered my medication. Thankfully it’s been at least a year since I’ve heard voices because I have not fooled with that medicine. But it doesn’t stop my mind from racing. And when it’s racing I get so tired because I can’t sleep for days. I get about 2-3 hours of sleep a night for several nights in a row and then I walk around like a zombie. Anyway, that’s me for now. Please say a prayer.

So, for now…