23 May 2009
I think I’m just going to rant. I have been trying to take a nap to no avail and my brain is running a mile a minute. I have been thinking about many things I’d like to say in my blog. I have written the blog several times in my head. But now that I’m sitting here to type, I have no clue how I had it all planned out. It’s weird how I do that, I think about it and I know what I want to say but then when I sit down I can’t say what I wanted.
Anyway at 48 years old I’ve been going through a lot of different things. Emotions, thoughts, etc. and I have attributed it to my Mid-life Crisis. I read a book about it. It seems I’m at the age, but the problem is, I’ve been suffering with this for a few years now. Some days it’s much worse than others.
Also, I suffer from severe clinical depression so I think those thoughts and feelings don’t help matters much. I have been giving a lot of thought and feelings into where I’m at in life, what I want, where I’m going, etc. and I thought I’d try to put it in writing maybe to help me make some sense of things.
I have told my doctor a few weeks ago how I’m feeling and he said we need to work on things. So, we’re supposed to work through some of this stuff but it seems topics always change and I don’t get to the heart of the issue. Like I said, I’ve been dealing with this for a few years now and I really haven’t gotten anywhere.
I have no purpose for life, no reason to be here. I really do not want to be here. I never have. If you really knew me, you’d know I’ve attempted suicide many times over the years. I’ve never been meant to live on this planet. I don’t belong here and never have and at 48 years old I can say I doubt I ever will be.
There is a lot of pent up anger in my system and I often try to figure out who I’m angry at. I tend to always end up back at being angry with God. It seems He always gets the brunt of my anger. But today, I’m trying not to be angry at God I don’t think I can blame Him for how I feel. I’ve just never appreciated life, I’ve never seen the appeal and I’ve never really wanted to be a part.
As most of you know, I’m elusive, aloof, eccentric and quirky in many ways. I guess growing older by oneself and living alone for many years one just builds up a lot of peculiarities that the average person doesn’t get.
Anyway, I honestly don’t see that I have a purpose in life. I have never really accomplished anything. And what I wanted most out of life never came to pass and it’s way too late for it to happen so I don’t see any reason for life to continue.
Most of my life has been living a lie, living to hide, living in fear of being found out. I didn’t actually come out about my homosexuality until I was 46 years old to anybody and I still haven’t fully accepted it myself. I try to, I talk about it, I joke about it and I try to make the best of it. But I am so strong in my faith that there just isn’t any room for it and it really just gets in my way. It’s a part of myself I have always hated and I’m quite sure that I will always hate it. I’ve never wanted to be gay and I have lived as straight a life as I could. I really never got involved with too many men and when I did it was only for a few years. My conscience really didn’t allow me to get into it. Plus, I was so afraid of being found out that I just had to keep things quiet and to myself. It’s very hard to live a double life and even harder when you have such strong faith as I do.
I’m not going to rehash all the ex-gay stuff except to say I spent many years of my life in the ex-gay ministries only to find that it didn’t help and I think it only hurt. And I would tell any young Christian who happens to find himself gay to avoid such a ministry because all it does is make you hate yourself all the more. It makes you feel that you’re just not good enough for God’s love because God never changes you. While you are promised a change, it never happens. I’ve never seen it happen and I know from personal experience it doesn’t happen.
But here I am at 48 and I keep thinking I have nothing to live for. And truthfully, I don’t. There’s nothing here for me. I don’t do anything exciting, I don’t have any desires to do anything exciting. I never accomplished much with my life and now I am on disability so I spend much of my time home alone.
The one thing I’ve always wanted was my own family. I wanted a lot of children I wanted a wife and a family. I wanted to prove that I could love them and take care of them as a real man. But I never had that opportunity because I am gay and God never saw fit to make me straight.
So now, what do I have? I should have grownup children. I should be a grand-father. But, it didn’t happen. I look at the younger generation and I always think to myself, I should have children their age. I think of all the joy that I’ve missed out on. All the love that I’ve missed out on and especially all the love I should be getting now at my age by being a grand-father. I would give anything to have grand-children running around me, sitting on my lap, crawling on me, etc. It hurts, it hurts real badly and I don’t think I can explain to anybody just how I feel about this.
And even if I went looking for a significant other, a partner, I don’t see that bringing any lasting happiness or real purpose in my life. I’m old, set in my ways and I’d feel too guilty. I’m too set in my religious ways. And it would in no way fill the longing I have for children and a family of my own.
So, even if there are a few more things I want to do with my life I do not see any of them giving me a reason to want to stick around. I don’t want to stick around. Life just is not nor has ever been worth living. Life has never shown me anything that made me want to stay here.
But now another dilemma that I have is that I believe in a heaven and hell. And I believe we go to either one place or the other. Hopefully, I am going to go to heaven. I mean, who doesn’t hope that, right. We all want to go to heaven. I know it’s not going to be by my good works but it’s going to be on my faith. One cannot please God without faith and it is only by Grace that one is saved and not by works lest any man should boast. So, I think I have that part pretty well settled and I am pretty sure if I were to die I will go to heaven. I mean, as long as the promises in the Holy Bible are true, then I am headed in the right direction. When I meet St. Peter all I have to say to him is that I get to enter heaven not on my own merits but on the merits of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. And if the Holy Bible is true, then I’m all set.
But now here’s yet another problem. I believe that whether a person goes to heaven or hell that it is for eternity. I believe that once the human spirit is born it is eternal. I do not believe in annihilation and the thought of living for eternity just does not appeal to me. Ugh! Can you just imagine having to live forever? I just don’t want it. There is no end, no end to any of this and it really just depresses me all the more. Even if I were to attempt and succeed at suicide, I’d still have to face God and I’d still have to live forever. What’s a man to do? Seriously, what is a man to do? I don’t want any of this. I didn’t ask for any of it. But, I’m stuck with it. I’m trying my best to make the best of things, but I just cannot help it when my brain starts running away with these thoughts and the feelings they bring on are just overpowering sometimes.
As a side note, this is not a suicide note. I have no plans on attempting suicide at this time. So no worries, ok. Some folks have “one of those days” well I’ve just got “one of those lives”. And I’m not quite sure what to do with it. And as strong as my faith in God is, He doesn’t talk to me so I don’t really get much help there. I just hope and pray that I can endure to the end.
So for now…
