Isolationism

22 April 2009

Well here I am sitting in Panera’s writing the blog. I haven’t written a blog in a while and I thought this would be a good time to update.

I spend most of my time, I’d say 90-95% of my time, home alone. I very rarely mingle with folks. I have one real life friend. I go to church & Sunday school once a week. And I visit my parents almost every day (they live downstairs). Then the only other thing I generally do is go to the doctor’s.

Yesterday my doctor and I decided that this isolationism is getting way out of hand. While I am trying to find a job so I can go back to work. We aren’t sure if I will be able to handle 40 hours. But it’s what I want. So, my doctor wanted me to promise him that I would make myself go out and sit in the café for about an hour. Just have a cup of coffee. No need to mingle, no need to make friends, no need to interact. But to sit somewhere where there are other people and also to get out of the house. A change of scenery so to speak.

So, here I am. I made myself come here to Panera’s I have myself a cup of coffee and I’m sitting here with my computer. I thought this was as good a time as any to update my blog. It’s a short blog, but it’s an update none-the-less and it explains a little more about me.

We were talking about my fear of people and my fear of leaving the house. I cannot explain it and he wanted answers. I left there feeling a bit aggravated because I thought that was his job. I have no idea why I am an isolationist, I have no idea why I do not like to leave the house, but that’s what it is. I have been like this most of my life only since I’ve gotten older and once I got onto disability it has gotten worst. The only time I go out is when my friend calls me up and asks me to go. We either go to his house or we come here to Panera’s or go to Dunkin’ Donuts.

Anyway, so there you have it, my long overdue update to my blog. I guess that was one productive thing I’ve done while out. And my outing gave me an excuse to update the blog. I’ll try not to stay away so long in the future, I just really do not have a lot to write about so I never know what to say.

So for now…

SWM – Single White Male

4 May 2008

One more time in my life I find myself being a square in a round world. This world is meant for married couples with or without children. There is no room, no thought about the single person who is sitting or standing next to you. The single person who is in your family, the single person who lives next door, the single person in church. Yet, here in America according to the national statistics in the US Census Bureau 33.9% of men and 27.3% of women in the United States have never been married. This is quite a significant number of people, in my humble opinion. So why is this group of people largely ignored? My main focus is why is this group of people mainly ignored in the Christian Church especially in light of what Paul says about singleness:

1Co 7:6 But this I say by way of concession, not of command.

1Co 7:7 Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that.

1Co 7:8 But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I.

1Co 7:32 One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord;

1Co 7:33 but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife,

1Co 7:34 and his interests are divided.

What Paul is saying here is that it is better to be single than it is to be married. Yet the church puts such an emphasis on marriage that if you are not married you are a freak. You feel like a freak and you are treated like a freak.

I have been a Christian for 27 years almost 28 years now and I have never once heard a sermon preached on or about being single. I have heard sermons preached on just about every other topic there is but singleness is largely ignored in the church. And what is done about and for the singles is called the Singles Group which is nothing more than a place for single Christians to get together and meet potential mates. It is not meant or geared towards the older single Christian who has been single their whole lives and has passed their prime.

I think the average Christian has no regard towards the single person. They have no idea what it’s like, they have no idea the struggles. Sure they can say, well yes, I understand I was single once too. Yes, so you were but you are not anymore and you have a wife and children. You do not know what it is like to go through life without a wife and children. Being in my midlife crisis I have to mourn the fact that I never got married and that I will never have children. It is not an easy thing when you realize you will never have children. It is a dream almost every person has as a young kid themselves. They all talk about some day having a family of their own and what they will and will not do. This is just common talk and I believe it is normal and a normal expectation. But married folks do not understand the unique problems that are faced on a daily basis for a single person.

I will list a few of them here. First of all it is hard to own your own home. You not only have to take care of the inside but you have to take care of the outside too. There is nobody to share these responsibilities with and yet they are the same responsibilities that come with buying a house as a married couple. Then there is the fact of eating and cooking. It is much easier to cook for more than one person than it is for just one person. Going shopping is a chore to figure out just how much of what you need so you don’t make too much. If you make too much you either have to throw some of it away or you have to eat it the whole week every single day. This gets rather boring after years of doing it.

Another issue that is faced is the fact that the single person does have to do the shopping by themselves. Whether it is for clothing, supplies or food once again it is not a chore that is shared the whole process has to be fit into the busy schedule of taking care of the home.

I could make the list a lot longer but I think you get the idea. Married people have to realize that there are two of them to accomplish the same things that there is only one single person to accomplish the same exact things and still maintain a healthy life. And of course what happens when a single person gets sick. S/he cannot just lie in bed all day long and expect their spouse to handle all the problems that arise during the day. No even sick you have no choice but to make sure everything is done and looked after no matter how bad you feel.

But the worse part in my humble opinion is whether you have one friend or a hundred friends the bottom line is you go home alone at night and have to sleep alone. Married people do not understand how lonely it can get. They have an intimacy that a single person does not have and has never experienced but has longed for their entire life. Whether a person has chosen to be single or the Lord has made that choice for them, being single is not a bed of roses like most married folks think it is.

It is also expected of the single person to volunteer and help out the married family when they need an extra hand. This is all fine and dandy and we surely do not mind lending a hand. But then the favor needs to be returned. I can tell you over the years I have helped so many people I cannot count how many yet the times I have needed help I can count on one hand the time I have actually had somebody come along and help me carry the load.

Once again, there is a lot more to this than I care to say. I think I’ll end the bitching here because that is what it sounds like I am doing. But in reality I am only trying to get the other half to realize that life is not all peachy keen for the single person either.

Of course there are benefits to being single too. Things that no married person can enjoy. Such as being able to travel the world. Being able to go where you want to when you want to and not have to worry about taking money or food out of anybody’s mouths. There is also the impulsive shopping and the extra indulgences that one gets to have when they are single. Not to mention that we are free to come and go as we please without having to get permission from anybody or if we are late getting home there is nobody there waiting for a “good” explanation.

You’re not obligated to commitments that your spouse has made for you. You are allowed to pick and chose what commitments you’re going to make and what commitments you’re not going to make.

So there are a lot of benefits to being single. I am not complaining about them. I just think that the married folks have to realize there is a whole large group of people they are ignoring.

It would be nice to be invited to family functions, to be included with other family affairs to be shown love to be shared love. Married folks, especially families waste a lot of food. They throw away leftovers because nobody will eat them or wants them. What is wrong in offering these leftovers to the single person you know. It would be a welcome change for a different meal. It would be nice if the married folks would offer help a hand or an ear. I can tell you it is very rare that a married person wants to hear the problems of a single person because they are too busy complaining about all the stresses that they have that we just don’t understand and how lucky we are that we are single.

What has brought on this rant today? Well let me tell you. It’s nothing more than the fact that the Pastor at church announced that he is going to be doing a series for married folks. I am so sick and tired of going to church and hearing series upon series of sermons geared for the married crowd and there is never even one or two sermons let alone series on being single. I know how to be married, I know all the things I should and should not do, I know what Jesus expects and what the Bible requires of a married person. How do I know all this you may be asking yourself since I just admitted I’ve never been married? Well, I know all this because I have sat through series upon series upon series of sermons geared towards the marriage that I could preach a series on it myself.

I stand corrected I believe it was the Sunday School teacher who mentioned the series on marriage not the Pastor. But either way the topic gets to be old hat no matter where I sit. And to be totally honest with you there are times I just want to skip church and/or go to another church during one of these series just because I want to be fed also. And I am sick and tired of learning how to be married.