Corey's Blog

9 November 2009

I am 48 y/o and have been single my entire life. I have been in a few relationships but none that lasted for any real amount of time. I’ve had about 2 or 3 long time close friendships over the years but that’s about it. When I quit drinking and got serious about being a Christian at the age of 22 I gave up most, if not all, of my friends. And from that time forward I have basically been alone. The few long term friendships I had ended around the age of 30. So, for the past 18 years or so I have basically done it all, all alone. I do have one friend now. I think we are pretty good friends but it really is not everything that I need. He is much older than me, is married has children and grandchildren, so I get very little time with him. The few times that I really, really needed somebody to talk to or help me during a crisis, he wasn’t around and I had to wait. This was very hard. Don’t get me wrong, this man is wonderful and would give me the shirt off his back. He just has many other obligations. But through all of this I have learned that when they say no man is or can be an island, this is not true. I am and have been an island all of my life. I have nobody I can count on or turn to or lean on. Nobody that would be there in a heartbeat should I need that. I am basically in this world alone.

I do see a psychiatrist on a weekly basis. I have been seeing psychiatrists since I was 17 y/o. My current doctor has been my psychiatrist for a good 10-15 years now. He knows very little about me. He knows more about me than probably anybody else, but he knows very little. We mostly talk about current issues, current crisis’s and a little about my history and how to connect certain behaviours with incidents of my past.

I do have a few friendships/relationships online and have had several that lasted a good amount of time over the years. And I tend to be more open and honest online because I am hiding behind a screen. But none-the-less, even these friends do not really know me. They only know the parts I am willing to share.

So, what I don’t understand is for a few years there in my early-mid 40’s I did go through a mid-life crisis and I think that is pretty much over with. But I have reached another landmark in my life and I honestly do not know where to turn. I have questions about life that I need answered. I have questions about God, religion, my faith, life especially my life in particular and I cannot for the life of me find one person I can turn to.

I have been very upset these past few days and especially after the sermon on Sunday morning this week. I cried a little at church but tried to hide it because I obviously did not want anybody to see me. But here alone I am very lachrymose and quite lugubrious.

I sent out a desperate email yesterday but, as usual, it either wasn’t taken seriously or it wasn’t known how to be handled. So, it looks like it just got ignored or pushed under the carpet as all my problems do with folks.

This really makes me feel like I am insignificant, invisible and unwanted. I have tried to engage two Christians who I thought could help me but neither seem very interested and the subject has been dropped. I cannot talk to my friend about this and I cannot go to my pastor because he doesn’t like me.

What I want to know is; where is God? He obviously knows all that is going on. He knows my needs, desires, wants and wishes. Yet, He has left me as an island my entire life and He’s not even there for me. Then, I often have to wonder why is it wrong if I end it all? I have tried many times, but obviously none were successful. It’s like I was created to do all this alone and I am being forced to live this life, like it or not. To be quite honest, I am not looking forward to eternity. I know, because it’s what I believe, that we live forever. Either eternally in hell or eternally in heaven but I honestly don’t want either. And obviously, since I believe this way I hope to spend it in heaven, but that just is not appealing to me. I don’t want it. I just want everything to end. It will never end. I can’t grasp that. I can’t comprehend that. I can’t fathom that. It will never end.

So, for now…