13 August 2009
Sorry it’s been a while since I updated. I really haven’t had much to write about because it’s been a rather boring, rainy summer.
But I thought I’d post something on a little dilemma I have. I try to make friends with young gay Christian men hoping to help them in their walk with the Lord. I do not think I do such a good job in helping them out.
It is still my firm belief that homosexual sex is wrong, that is my conviction. But it doesn’t seem to be the conviction of the younger generation. I fear for their salvation. But I also see where they are coming from. At my age it’s pretty easy to live a celibate life. But it wasn’t always easy. As a matter of fact it is one of the most difficult things to ask of somebody. I had a lot of trouble and a lot of internal (and external) turmoil. A lot of anger towards God and myself for being gay. In essence I have always hated my life.
In helping these young men my real goal is to spare them from living a life of pain as I have done. At 48 years old, I am a miserable, lonely old fart. I live a lonely, single, isolated, celibate life. I don’t have much of a problem with the celibacy anymore but I still struggle with it at times.
I really do not know the truth anymore and I really do not know how to help these young men. For goodness sake, I don’t even know how to help myself.
I mean, asking a young man to live his life without sex is next to impossible. The Bible even says it is better to marry than to burn with lust. Well, what’s a young gay man supposed to do? He still has a sex drive. He still wants to have sex and his body and brain tells him he needs to have sex.
It is a special calling to live a celibate life and it’s not one meant for very many people. I did it but not without the help of a Pastor who took much abuse from me. If it were not for him, I would not have been able to remain celibate. Whenever I had the urge, or whenever I got so down and depressed about things, I took it out on him. He always pointed out scripture, always gave me godly council and basically just took my verbal abuse until my urges passed by.
I just cannot do this to these young men. That is asking so much. I have lived such a depressed life, I have struggled with suicide and self hatred my entire life. Is this really the path that God wants young gay men to follow?
How do you convince a young man that God does not want him to have sex? Ever! Unless he gets married. There is just no way for a gay man to live his life married in a heterosexual relationship and live a happy life. It just doesn’t work. History proves that.
It’s very frustrating and I’m not sure what to do. I do not want to lead these guys down the wrong road. I do not want to tell them that homosexual sex is ok unless I know for sure it is. Because I do not want to be the one responsible for sending their soul’s to hell. Yet, I do not know if that would be the case. I do not want them to live the life I led. I do not want them to grow old alone. It’s not easy and it’s not fun and it’s not fair.
It’s a real dilemma and I’m not sure what to do. I feel strongly in my faith but that is my faith and my convictions I cannot push that on these young men. I can tell them what I know, which is what I do. But when they ask me if I’m telling them they can never have sex, I just cannot give them an answer because I do not know what God has planned for their lives. Like I said, celibacy is not for everybody. As a matter of fact I think it’s only for a very small group of people. And to ask the whole gay population to live without sex is just the most ridicules thing I’ve ever thought or heard.
I guess a big problem for me that other’s don’t have or see is the fact that I myself am gay. So, I know that it’s not a choice. Nobody chooses to be gay. I’m not going to go down that road right now but just enough to say, nobody chooses this. So, if someone finds themselves to be gay, what is s/he supposed to do about their sex life? If you do any psychology reading, sex and love are essential parts of life. People need each other, people need to be loved, to be touched, to be held, to be special, the whole nine yards. How can I ask anybody to give all that up just because I did. And did I even do the right thing for myself? I honestly do not know. As I said, it’s a bit late for me. I’m old and am pretty set in my ways now. I’m used to being celibate and have some ED problems anyway so it’s not much of an issue for me.
But I do know the life of pain of being lonely and isolated. The life of pain of denying your flesh intimate relationships. The life of pain from not having any one to love or to be able to love somebody in return. It’s all nearly impossible to ask from anybody but a select few.
I don’t understand, I really don’t. There’s a huge part of me that says it’s quite ridiculous to ask a young man to give everything up because not many will do that. Yet, I nor the Church, can decide their salvation. And I certainly do not want to turn them away from the Church. Jesus loves homosexuals as much as He loves anybody else. And is Jesus really asking homosexuals to live a life of isolation and celibacy? Is this what He really wants? If it’s not a gift, a calling, then I don’t think He would expect this from so many. So, what is the answer? What is the solution? How do I help young men? I know that Jesus loves them and that is the most important thing and what I try to show them. I try to love them and let them know that Jesus loves them. I don’t believe telling fags they’re all going to hell is the answer. I do not think they are. I just don’t know, I don’t know.
So, for now…
