Where Am I Going

23 May 2009

 I think I’m just going to rant. I have been trying to take a nap to no avail and my brain is running a mile a minute. I have been thinking about many things I’d like to say in my blog. I have written the blog several times in my head. But now that I’m sitting here to type, I have no clue how I had it all planned out. It’s weird how I do that, I think about it and I know what I want to say but then when I sit down I can’t say what I wanted.

 Anyway at 48 years old I’ve been going through a lot of different things. Emotions, thoughts, etc. and I have attributed it to my Mid-life Crisis. I read a book about it. It seems I’m at the age, but the problem is, I’ve been suffering with this for a few years now. Some days it’s much worse than others.

 Also, I suffer from severe clinical depression so I think those thoughts and feelings don’t help matters much. I have been giving a lot of thought and feelings into where I’m at in life, what I want, where I’m going, etc. and I thought I’d try to put it in writing maybe to help me make some sense of things.

 I have told my doctor a few weeks ago how I’m feeling and he said we need to work on things. So, we’re supposed to work through some of this stuff but it seems topics always change and I don’t get to the heart of the issue. Like I said, I’ve been dealing with this for a few years now and I really haven’t gotten anywhere.

 I have no purpose for life, no reason to be here. I really do not want to be here. I never have. If you really knew me, you’d know I’ve attempted suicide many times over the years. I’ve never been meant to live on this planet. I don’t belong here and never have and at 48 years old I can say I doubt I ever will be.

 There is a lot of pent up anger in my system and I often try to figure out who I’m angry at. I tend to always end up back at being angry with God. It seems He always gets the brunt of my anger. But today, I’m trying not to be angry at God I don’t think I can blame Him for how I feel. I’ve just never appreciated life, I’ve never seen the appeal and I’ve never really wanted to be a part.

 As most of you know, I’m elusive, aloof, eccentric and quirky in many ways. I guess growing older by oneself and living alone for many years one just builds up a lot of peculiarities that the average person doesn’t get.

 Anyway, I honestly don’t see that I have a purpose in life. I have never really accomplished anything. And what I wanted most out of life never came to pass and it’s way too late for it to happen so I don’t see any reason for life to continue.

 Most of my life has been living a lie, living to hide, living in fear of being found out. I didn’t actually come out about my homosexuality until I was 46 years old to anybody and I still haven’t fully accepted it myself. I try to, I talk about it, I joke about it and I try to make the best of it. But I am so strong in my faith that there just isn’t any room for it and it really just gets in my way. It’s a part of myself I have always hated and I’m quite sure that I will always hate it. I’ve never wanted to be gay and I have lived as straight a life as I could. I really never got involved with too many men and when I did it was only for a few years. My conscience really didn’t allow me to get into it. Plus, I was so afraid of being found out that I just had to keep things quiet and to myself. It’s very hard to live a double life and even harder when you have such strong faith as I do.

 I’m not going to rehash all the ex-gay stuff except to say I spent many years of my life in the ex-gay ministries only to find that it didn’t help and I think it only hurt. And I would tell any young Christian who happens to find himself gay to avoid such a ministry because all it does is make you hate yourself all the more. It makes you feel that you’re just not good enough for God’s love because God never changes you. While you are promised a change, it never happens. I’ve never seen it happen and I know from personal experience it doesn’t happen.

 But here I am at 48 and I keep thinking I have nothing to live for. And truthfully, I don’t. There’s nothing here for me. I don’t do anything exciting, I don’t have any desires to do anything exciting. I never accomplished much with my life and now I am on disability so I spend much of my time home alone.

 The one thing I’ve always wanted was my own family. I wanted a lot of children I wanted a wife and a family. I wanted to prove that I could love them and take care of them as a real man. But I never had that opportunity because I am gay and God never saw fit to make me straight.

 So now, what do I have? I should have grownup children. I should be a grand-father. But, it didn’t happen. I look at the younger generation and I always think to myself, I should have children their age. I think of all the joy that I’ve missed out on. All the love that I’ve missed out on and especially all the love I should be getting now at my age by being a grand-father. I would give anything to have grand-children running around me, sitting on my lap, crawling on me, etc. It hurts, it hurts real badly and I don’t think I can explain to anybody just how I feel about this.

 And even if I went looking for a significant other, a partner, I don’t see that bringing any lasting happiness or real purpose in my life. I’m old, set in my ways and I’d feel too guilty. I’m too set in my religious ways. And it would in no way fill the longing I have for children and a family of my own.

 So, even if there are a few more things I want to do with my life I do not see any of them giving me a reason to want to stick around. I don’t want to stick around. Life just is not nor has ever been worth living. Life has never shown me anything that made me want to stay here.

 But now another dilemma that I have is that I believe in a heaven and hell. And I believe we go to either one place or the other. Hopefully, I am going to go to heaven. I mean, who doesn’t hope that, right. We all want to go to heaven. I know it’s not going to be by my good works but it’s going to be on my faith. One cannot please God without faith and it is only by Grace that one is saved and not by works lest any man should boast. So, I think I have that part pretty well settled and I am pretty sure if I were to die I will go to heaven. I mean, as long as the promises in the Holy Bible are true, then I am headed in the right direction. When I meet St. Peter all I have to say to him is that I get to enter heaven not on my own merits but on the merits of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. And if the Holy Bible is true, then I’m all set.

 But now here’s yet another problem. I believe that whether a person goes to heaven or hell that it is for eternity. I believe that once the human spirit is born it is eternal. I do not believe in annihilation and the thought of living for eternity just does not appeal to me. Ugh! Can you just imagine having to live forever? I just don’t want it. There is no end, no end to any of this and it really just depresses me all the more. Even if I were to attempt and succeed at suicide, I’d still have to face God and I’d still have to live forever. What’s a man to do? Seriously, what is a man to do? I don’t want any of this. I didn’t ask for any of it. But, I’m stuck with it. I’m trying my best to make the best of things, but I just cannot help it when my brain starts running away with these thoughts and the feelings they bring on are just overpowering sometimes.

 As a side note, this is not a suicide note. I have no plans on attempting suicide at this time. So no worries, ok. Some folks have “one of those days” well I’ve just got “one of those lives”. And I’m not quite sure what to do with it. And as strong as my faith in God is, He doesn’t talk to me so I don’t really get much help there. I just hope and pray that I can endure to the end.

 So for now…

Divorce and the Church

10 May 2009

 I feel very strongly about a new ministry that is taking place in my church and I thought I’d write my views on it. I have a lot I want to say and I will try my best to be clear and to say all that I feel about it. I cannot think of the exact name of the ministry but it is for folks who are divorced or who are going through a divorce. I will assume it’s some kind of support group maybe similar to Celebrate Recovery. Insert here, the name of the ministry is DivorceCare. Anyway, here’s why I’m against it.

 Divorce is something that Jesus spoke about. He was not silent on the issue and He was very clear in what He thought about divorce. But not only did Jesus mention divorce but so did Paul in the epistles. From my understanding of Holy Scripture the only acceptable reason for divorce is infidelity.

 Scripture is very clear that divorce is wrong and it is a sin. While it will allow folks to divorce, if they do divorce they are not free to get remarried. The Bible says that if you marry a divorced person you and that person are committing adultery. So, if a couple gets divorced the only option they have is to remain single.

 The Bible does speak of unbelievers, if a believer is married to an unbeliever and the unbeliever does not wish to stay with the believing spouse, then the person is not obligated to remain married to them. However, if the unbeliever wishes to remain married the believer is not allowed to leave the unbelieving spouse.

 When asked about divorce Jesus was very clear when He said let no man put asunder what God has joined together. When a man and a woman get married the two become one flesh. According to scripture the only thing that voids this contract is the death of one of the spouses. If a spouse dies then the contract is null and void and the living spouse is allowed to remarry, especially if that spouse is young and of child bearing age.

 Now, the reasons this ministry bothers me are a few. First, I feel that it is condoning sin. It is saying that divorce is ok and so if you get divorced come to this ministry and we will support you and tell you everything is alright. That is wrong it is a sin to get divorced. It is black and white, period, no ifs and or buts about it. And so the church should treat divorce as sin and a person who gets divorced should be reprimanded by the church and told under no circumstances are they to get remarried.

 The Holy Bible is very clear on this, I am not making it up and I am taking a very strong stance on this. It is clearly wrong and it was important enough for Jesus Himself to speak on the issue several times during His ministry.

 Now, for the biggest reason why I am so strongly against this is because of the following. I am a Christian, a Born Again believer and I believe that the Holy Bible is the inerrant Word of God. I realize that we all sin, we all fail, this is not my issue. But, not only am I a Christian, but I am a gay Christian. And I find this to be most hypocritical on the church’s side.

 In order for me, a Christian man who happens to be gay, wishes to remain in the church I must refrain from pursing love and happiness. I must live with the fact that I can never fall in love or get married because it is against the church. While Jesus Himself never spoke of homosexuality, the church is very adamant about this. They are fine with me as long as I remain single and celibate.

 Well, the same requirements that are laid upon me should be laid upon folks who get married. And there is a huge, huge difference in all of this. I never chose to be gay. If I had my way, I would be married with 9 kids. I never wanted to be gay, I hate being gay, but I am gay and I am a Christian so I have to follow the laws of the church and I gladly do so because I chose my faith over my fleshly desires. But, a person who gets divorced is clearly making a choice. This is a choice to get divorced and so if a person chooses to get divorced then they should have to follow all the rules and guidelines that are laid out before them in the Holy Bible. Which is for them to remain single and not get remarried.

 And to say that it’s too hard or to say but it’s not fair, they need somebody to love. They need somebody to care for them they deserve the same rights as everybody else. I say bullsh*t, I deserve all of that too but they deny me. I have to live by the rules and so should a divorced person. No ifs ands or buts.

 So, in summary a person who willfully chooses to get divorced should be reprimanded for going against the teachings of Christ. Also, if after this the person pursues a relationship and remarries then that person should be excommunicated from the church. There is no room in the church for adulterers especially if there is no room for homosexuals. If the church wishes to play hardball against homosexuality, then they must follow the teachings of the Bible and take a stand against divorce and remarriage. No matter how hard or how painful or how lonely it may be for the person after their divorce. It was their choice, now they must live with the consequences of their choice. As I said, being gay is not a choice but being divorced is. The church cannot be hypocritical about this. They must take a stand against divorce and they must do what is right in God’s eyes on all accounts. They cannot pick and chose which sins they will condone and which sins they will not tolerate.

 And I defy anybody, anybody at all, to quote me one Scripture that proves Jesus said anything about homosexuality. It just didn’t happen, yet He was very strong in His stance on divorce.

 So for now…