About Time

14 July 2008

 

 

Today’s blog is going to be a little different than usual. I want to share a theory of mine that I’ve discussed with other folks. Some agree with me some don’t agree with me. It’s just a theory but there is no biblical scripture to prove or disprove my theory and I think it’s worth sharing to see if I can get some comments.

 

I try to write some of my blogs with a little controversy hoping to get comments but I get very few. I have over 1000 hits to my blog now and only about 30 comments. Those aren’t good odds. It either means nobody likes my blogs or I just attract a bunch of silent folks. LOL.

 

Anyway, here’s my theory. I do not believe that time began until the fall of Adam and Eve. I believe that before there was sin introduced into the world that there was no time. God is timeless; He has no beginning or an end. He is the Alpha and Omega. When we die we will go into eternity which means we will either be eternally damned or eternally with the Father. But either way once we have become a being we are now going to live forever and ever no matter where that may be. This is what I believe according to Scripture.

 

But my theory again is that time did not begin until the fall. This means to me that I do not believe in the literal seven days of creation. I believe that creation took millions or billions of years before God created mankind. I do tend to believe in evolution of sorts. While I do not believe we came from apes and I do not believe our ancestors were cavemen etc. I do believe God created Adam and Eve from the dust of the Earth and that our human bodies have been created and not evolved in any way shape or form.

 

But, that does not mean that the Earth and the universe did not nor does not evolve. I believe with time everything evolves. If there were no evolution than how would we account for the Grand Canyon or the Himalayas that have sea shells on top of the mountains? No, I believe that the world is forever changing along with the universe itself.

 

I don’t believe that it was created to last forever either. First of all the Word of God tells us that there will be a New Heaven and a New Earth. Well, if God did not intend for things to be made new again why would He say that. So it’s my theory that the universe as a whole was not meant or not created to last forever. The only thing the Bible says will last forever is the Word of God.

 

I believe when God decided to create the universe and create angelic beings and human beings that He knew before He even gave it any thought that there would be a fall. He knew from the very beginning that Jesus would come to the Earth and die a horrible death to save us all from eternal damnation.

 

While my most controversial beliefs I’ve saved for the end here. First, I do not believe in dinosaurs. I do not believe they ever existed. I believe it’s all a big hoax. I don’t know by whom or for what reason but I cannot buy the fact that there were huge lizards roaming the earth for billions of years before we came along. I do not think the Earth is big enough to support such giant beings and I think with gravity it would have been impossible for these beings to even exist. If I’m not mistaken it is said that if a blue whale is taken out of the water it will die because it will die under the weight of it’s own body. Well, the blue whale is the largest creature on the planet that we know of and dinosaurs were supposed to be even bigger. I cannot see a brontosaurus could have survived and the idea of a pterodactyl is just utterly foolishness to me. So that’s one of my theories. I have nothing to prove myself or my theory but I also believe that those who believe in dinosaurs have nothing to prove their existence or their theory.

 

My next controversial belief is that God is the creator of sin. God knew Lucifer would sin before He ever created him. He knew that Lucifer was going to fall and God created a hell just for Lucifer and his followers. If God did not know sin was going to happen then He would not be God. And nothing exists without God. God is the creator of everything. Therefore, I believe God is the author of sin.

 

So now back to my original thought about time. I think that time began the moment Adam and Eve sinned. It was at that time that age mattered. They were created to live forever, to never get old or age. So why would there be a need for time. Whereas once they fell there needed to be a clock set in order for God to make sure they did not live forever. Which is why He kicked them out of the Garden of Eden so that they would not eat of the tree of life and live forever. It was intended for them to die. The Bible says that it is intended for each man to die once and then the resurrection.

 

So there you have my theory about time in a nutshell. I hope that I caused some controversy and I hope that some of you reading this will disagree with me and say so. If you think I’m wrong, please try to disprove me, but please back up what you’re saying with Scripture. I do not think my theories can be proven or disproven.

 

I do not know where I came up with these beliefs as it’s not something that is discussed in church. I’ve never heard a sermon on the topic from the pulpit, it’s just a conclusion that I have come to from my many years of reading Scripture and from my many questions. The Bible has left so much out. There are so many mysteries and I think we need to explore each of them. I do not think our salvation depends upon such theories. I think God gave us minds to use to come up with such theories for good honest discussion. I think the world would be pretty boring if we all believed and agreed on everything the same.

 

Oh, and one more thing. We have no idea how long Adam and Eve lived in the Garden of Eden before they fell. It could have been hundreds or even thousands of years before the fall. There is nothing in the bible that tells us what happened between creation and the fall. And this is where I believe that other people have come from after the fall. It seems to me that before the fall there must have been incest for Adam and Eve’s sons and daughters to make children. But by the time of the fall when the Bible talks about Cain and Able it never mentions where their wives come from. I believe that Adam and Eve had children before the fall and it was those children that became the wives of Cain and Able and so on. If you read Genesis carefully, there certainly is a large group of people that seem to come from no where. I believe they are all descendants of Adam and Eve from before the fall.

 

So, for now…

Depression

06 July 2008

I have suffered depression my entire adult life and looking back I believe that I suffered depression since childhood. I have been diagnosed with several mental disorders but the one that affects me most is the chronic severe clinical depression. I take so many medications it’s unbelievable. Everytime I try to stop taking the meds is when I take a swing so low that it often leads to near suicide if not an attempted suicide. I finally reached a point that I realized that I just have to take the meds no matter what. It was described to me like somebody who has diabetes, they just can’t go without insulin and I just can’t go without anti-depressants. I also take anti-psychotic meds and when I don’t take those I hear voices. I don’t generally admit this to very many people but here I am admitting it to the world. I guess it’s nothing to be ashamed about it’s not my fault and it’s a true disorder.

I have been in therapy my entire adult life of one form or another. My first attempted suicide I was 17 years old. And it’s been since then that I have been seeing psychiatrists and counselors. I was having an online/ongoing conversation with a nurse and he suggested that I try a therapist. I asked him what the difference was and he told me that a therapist helps you deal with issues. They know how to work through things. I don’t know if I can explain it the way he explained it to me. But I am going to look for a therapist. I have nothing to lose.

Back in 2003 at my last suicide attempt I was admitted to the hospital. It was against my will and I don’t remember most of it. Most of what I know about it is from what others have told me. Anyway, what they did to me I remember pretty much and I hated it and I swear they’ll never do that to me again. They put me threw ECT’s or electric shock therapy. This has to be the most barbaric thing that is still done in modern day medicine. And as I said, they will never do that to me again. It erased all my memory and it has altered my brain to the point that I am not nearly as smart as I used to be. I feel like a stupid ass idiot most of the time now. I used to be so smart and I had such a good memory. When I worked I was a CFO and I was very good with numbers. Now I can’t even add 2 + 2 in my head. Yeah, a bit of an exaggeration there but I cannot do numbers in my head anymore and that was a talent of mine. If it had to do with numbers I could do it but not anymore. Now I need a calculator and/or a pen and paper to figure things out. I was so good at algebra and now I can’t even comprehend it. So if you’re ever offered ECT’s I’d suggest you refuse them. They did no permanent good and only caused permanent damage, IMHO.

Anyway, I have been struggling lately with this depression and I have not altered my medication. Generally speaking when I get like this it’s because I alter my medication to suit myself instead of following instructions. But it just isn’t right that I have to take so many pills. I hate it. Sometimes I take so many that I gag trying to swallow them. I realize I should split them and take them in two gulps but I’d rather just swallow them all at once.

Well, I think this round of depression has been for quite a while now, since I decided it was time to sell the house. Well actually well before then because that was the main reason I decided to sell the house. It just got too much for me to handle. Anyway, I have my days where I’m not so bad and I have my days where I’m really bad. And it seems like the really bad days nobody is around to help me out. I know it’s just a matter of time before I attempt suicide again. I am thinking this time of getting myself a gun so that I can do it right. Most times I would have died when I attempted but the damn doctors try so hard to save me and so far they have succeeded. Which pisses me off because if I want to be dead who are they to make the decision to keep me alive.

I am afraid to tell my psychiatrist just how depressed I am so I lie to him. I am afraid he is going to put me back into the hospital and/or require me to go threw more ECT’s that I just don’t want him to know just how bad I really am. I know when I admit to being more than just a little depressed he starts pushing the day program and I just don’t want to go through that. I wasn’t comfortable there and I didn’t feel like it helped me any. I honestly don’t know if my depression can be “talked out” because it seems I’ve been talking it out for years and I still suffer from it. I think it truly is just a disease that I have and nothing is going to cure it.

Anyway, I’m writing about the depression today because I am very depressed. I don’t know why. I just feel like the world is against me. I just don’t belong here. I hate it here and I can’t wait until I am dead. Sometimes I feel I have to take matters into my own hands because if I wait on God He’s not going to let me die. I learned that from a little kid. Since I was very young, I used to pray every single night to Jesus to let me die. And in the morning I would wake up and I would be so angry at God for making me go through yet another day.

I have never been a happy person, not even as a child. I do not know what happiness really is. I don’t think I would know it if it slapped me in the face. The best way I can describe it is I’ve had such a miserable life which has had moments of pleasure sprinkled in just enough to keep me going. But at times like this it just isn’t enough to keep me going. And when I get like I am today I want so badly to cry, I can feel the tears just waiting to start pouring out. Yet, I cannot cry. I think if I could cry it would do me a world of good but I can’t.

Well, I could go on and on about the depression but I don’t want it to sound like a pity party. It really is not, I’m just trying to describe where I’ve been lately and where I find myself today. I went to church and Sunday school this morning. I visited my parents after church. Yet, I just feel so awful. I just want it done and over with.

Well, that’s my blog for today. So if you feel so inclined please say a prayer for me. I sure could use it. Depression is so debilitating and I honestly don’t know what, if anything, triggers it off. Most of the time I have no good reason for being depressed I just am. And that’s where I’m at today. Just plain depressed and I have not altered my medication. Thankfully it’s been at least a year since I’ve heard voices because I have not fooled with that medicine. But it doesn’t stop my mind from racing. And when it’s racing I get so tired because I can’t sleep for days. I get about 2-3 hours of sleep a night for several nights in a row and then I walk around like a zombie. Anyway, that’s me for now. Please say a prayer.

So, for now…