Corey's Blog

22 June 2008

Back on 2 December 2007 I finally decided it was time to come out to my family. I posted my letter on my other blog I had at the time. I thought now was an appropriate time to post this letter here on this blog. There are a couple of old blogs that I think I might bring over here to WordPress and post them because they help set the stage to where I am coming from. So I hope that you understand that I was very nervous at the time I wrote this letter. But it was something I had to do. I see a Psychiatrist on a regular basis and I have denied being gay my entire life. It was our decision that I should come out to family and close friends to help me accept the fact that I am gay. It is by telling other’s that I then cannot deny the truth to myself. The only regret I have is that I waited so long. I wish I had done it many years ago.

I honestly do not know why I feel compelled to post it now but I do. Maybe there is somebody out there struggling with this issue. Or God has some other, unknown to me, reason for having me share this letter with you. But this is the exact letter that I wrote to my family and a few friends. Like I said, there were a couple of follow up letters that I wrote and I ended up posting on my blog also so I may post them here as well. But December wasn’t really all that long ago. I must say the reactions have been very positive. I have not run into any trouble except from one friend. Which when you take into account all the trouble that a lot of people have I am very fortunate and I cannot complain about the reactions that I received. Some of it was hard at the time but none of it was unbearable or downright nasty. Nothing like that, just that some people asked me to give them time to digest it. While most seemed to already know it did come as a surprise to a few folks. So here goes, I will now post my Coming Out Letter. I hope that it helps somebody else. And Please make comments and ask questions. I am willing to respond to comments this time. I know I don’t generally respond to comments but that’s because I do not want to make this blog into a dialogue, I post comments and leave it at that. I think I’ve only responded to one post so far. But then, not too many of you post comments. I see by the stats that I am picking up some readers but you’re all silent readers and I wish I would get more comments. But anyway, here’s the letter I wrote my family:

2 December 2007

This is probably going to be the hardest paper I have ever written. But I am now 46 years old and I must do this. I believe that out of everybody that knows me I am the only one who does not acknowledge the fact that I am a homosexual.

Firstly, let me assure you that I live a celibate life. But that doesn’t change the fact of who I am. I have tried everything under the sun to become straight and nothing has worked. Last year when I was suspected of having IPF is when it hit me that I was 45 years old and still waiting for God to deliver me.

But it was too late, if it was true that I had IPF then I would die in a relatively short period of time and so a relationship would have been out of the question. But when I learned that I only have emphysema and not IPF I learned several things. I learned that one of my biggest fears is dying alone. I learned that I am too old to get married and start a family of my own. Let’s face it, who in their right mind wants a screaming crying infant waking them up in the middle of the night when you’re 46 years old. No thanks. So as far as I’m concerned I’m too old.

I have been through years and years of counseling, one on one counseling as well as group counseling. I have read 100’s of books on coming out of homosexuality and I have done everything that I was told to do. The problem with that is I am still just as gay today as I was when I first realized it.

Let me assure you it is not a choice. I have hated myself my entire life. I still do. I am an abomination to God. Who wants to choose that? Not me. I have attempted to take my life on many occasions most of which my family is unaware of but they are aware of several attempts.

I believed if I tried hard enough, if I prayed hard enough, if I was good enough God would honor all that and make me straight. After all Corinthians says “such ‘were’ some of you” and this is a sticking point between reality and the word of God. I cannot change myself. And God has refused to change me.

This is not a choice. It has been a life of hell living alone. It has been a life of hell keeping my mouth shut. It has been a living hell to hear my loved ones talk about their despise against homosexuals. I always thought if they only knew they would kick me out of the family. Well, you know what, I’m ready for that now.

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care who knows or who doesn’t know. I did not choose this and I am not going to live a double life any longer. It is very hard to live a lie for 46 years. If people wish to disown me then they really never loved me. And it will be their loss not mine. I have been good to my loved ones. When I made money I took care of their needs and desires. When they needed special favors if I was available I never said no. So if they can abandon me now in good conscience then that is their prerogative.

I am not saying that I have never had sex with a woman or a man, because I have. I cannot in all honesty say that I enjoyed my encounters with woman. It has been 13 years since my last relationship with a man. I am not saying that I am going man hunting now either. All I’m saying is I am opening up some closed doors.

I am not asking for anyone’s opinion. I am not asking for anyone’s advice. I am not asking for anyone’s approval. None of this would amount to a hill of beans anyway. I am merely getting a very heavy burden off my chest.

Now the hard part, do I let you read this or not. How do I get it to you? Yes I worry if I’m still going to be loved. Yes I worry if I’m still going to be accepted. But I am not controlled by those emotions any longer. That fear is gone, the Bible says that there is no fear in Love.

The only way I am going to be able to walk closer with God is if I’m honest with Him, with others and with myself. It’s called respect. And I have not respected God enough to do this for Him like He has instructed me to do so many times in the past. I am not changing religions. I am not changing anything. I am only being honest. My only real regret about this whole thing is my fear. I should have done this years ago but I was driven by fear. That is not the case any longer.

And although I said I don’t care who knows. In all reality it is nobody’s business. I would appreciate it if you would not discuss this as a piece of gossip to all your friends. I would rather rumors about me not be spread about. It is only my sexuality that we are talking about here. And you certainly do not go about telling everybody you meet that you are a heterosexual. So I would appreciate it if you didn’t go around telling everybody that I am a homosexual. I think I deserve my privacy as much as the next person.

I am not an out and proud gay. I am not going to change my ways. I am not going to become some drag queen or be transformed into any of your stereotypical molds. I am merely going to stay the same man I have always been. So regarding this matter I have said what I feel that I have needed to. The next decision, however, is yours to make.