Corey's Blog

1 May 2008

*cel-i-bate Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation [sel-uh-bit, -beyt] Pronunciation Key – Show IPA Pronunciation

-noun

1. a person who abstains from sexual relations.

2. a person who remains unmarried, esp. for religious reasons.

-adjective

3. observing or pertaining to sexual abstention or religious vow not to marry.

4. not married.

Short blog here today. I feel the need to make a clarification. I have written several blogs on homosexuality and referred to myself as being gay. To me being gay is just my sexual orientation it means nothing else. But I guess to a lot of people the term gay means someone is actually involved in the lifestyle. Maybe I should use the term SSA which stands for Same Sex Attraction which is the politically correct way of saying it. But two things, I’ve never been politically correct. Just a bad habit. And I am so used to the term gay and to me it just means that I am not straight, I am not attracted to the opposite sex.

So with that being cleared up I also want to clear up the fact that while I am not a virgin, I have had sex with both men and women in the past. I have been and I remain to be celibate since March 1995 which is over 13 years now.

I was in an LTR and the Lord called me out of it. The Lord convicted me that it was wrong for me to be in that relationship and I had to make a choice my boyfriend or God. I chose God. I would rather choose God over sex or anything else that this world may have to offer. I was not a happy camper about the situation and I protested. I gave God an ultimatum that He must make me heterosexual within a year and let me get married and have a family of my own and if He didn’t I was going to go back. Well, obviously that one year has turned into 13 years. And I see that God is not going to make me straight and I see that I am not going to have a family of my own. I was 33 years old when I broke off with my boyfriend, I am now 46 years old. And while I realize that for a man he is never too old to have children. I can tell you to rest assured at my age I do not want an infant waking me up in the middle of the night crying. So for me it’s too late.

I realize that I have options and some of them are tempting. Such as I can leave my religious beliefs completely and live the gay life. Or, I can go to a gay friendly church and carry on in a gay relationship as well as being a Christian at the same time. I can stay in my current church and have a secret love affair. But I do not want any of these. Especially the last one because while I may be able to fool man I cannot fool God. God is all knowing and He will know if I am in an active relationship or not and I do not want to take that chance.

So, my last option is to remain celibate. I have included the meaning of celibate at the beginning of this blog because I realize a lot of folks do not know what it really means. I have chosen to not have sex, no sex with men or women for the rest of my life unless God sees fit to make me heterosexual and I get married. I believe that sex is sacred and is only for the marriage bed whether a person is gay or straight sex outside of marriage is wrong.

This is not an easy life to live. I hate being alone. I hate not having a companion. I hate not being able to have sex. There’s just so many negatives to being celibate. But the benefits are going to be well worth it when I die and come face to face with my maker. Yes I lived in sin for years but I have also made the choice to change my ways and follow His lead. The only way I could have and the only way I can remain celibate is with the help of Jesus Christ. There is no way I could do this in the flesh. This is most assuredly a spiritual thing. My flesh battles me all the way each and every day. If I did not have the promise of God, if I was not filled with God’s Holy Spirit there is no way I would be able to remain celibate. There is no way I would be able to remain this faithful.

Do I ever want to give up? You betcha!! And I come close many times of just chucking the whole thing and going back. Egypt looks so good when you’re in the desert and I fight God on this tooth and nail. But I have given Him my will and ask Him not to let me win when I battle Him. Because the truth is I don’t want to give in. But at the same time I do fight Him at times and when those times come I will argue with and get mad at Him. But He is a big God and He can handle my little temper tantrums.

So if my blogs have given you the impression that I am currently sexually active this is not true and I apologize for not being clear on that. But I cannot stop calling myself gay because this is just pushing myself back into the closet. I am gay, I am not straight. I am attracted to men, I am not attracted to women. I realize to a lot of people the term Gay Christian is an oxymoron and it just doesn’t go together. That is ok, the way I prefer to say it is that “I am a Christian man who happens to be gay.” I am a Christian first and foremost. God comes first in my life for everything. Being gay is very much a part of me and I will not deny it anymore. However, I am not living the gay life.

So, for now…

*American Psychological Association (APA):

celibate. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved May 01, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/celibate