Some of you know my full testimony while some of you do not. So please indulge me for a minute to discuss one very important part of my testimony because it is very relevant to this time in my life.
In my early 20’s while I was still a baby Christian I was preparing to make another attempt at suicide. It was early Saturday afternoon I had everything ready and I was on my knees praying when my room got very heavy. It was very oppressive. I did not know what was going on but I decided to lie on the bed for a few minutes.
The next thing I remember is waking up and crying, crying like a baby. I just could not stop the tears. I had just had an encounter with the Lord and it left me feeling so loved and so wanted that I could not stop crying.
While in His presence I had both my hands out in front of me and He placed a piece of gold in my hands. It was gold that was so pure I could see threw it and He said to me “You are more precious to me than this gold.” I do not know if there was more said or not but that is all I remember and that is what I remember crying about when I woke up. It was so real, so vivid I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was in the presence of the Lord Himself.
The odd part about the whole thing is it was now Sunday afternoon. He brought me through the whole time period that I had planned to take my life and He also spoke with me. This was just too much I could not bear it and so I just kept crying.
As I said, I was a baby Christian at the time it wasn’t until a few years later that I read a passage of scripture that verified my vision to be authentic.
“I will make a man more precious than fine gold;” Isaiah 13:12 KJVR
I’d say for the past several months now I have been going through a period of hell. There is no other word to describe what I’ve been going through. One of the many issues I have to deal with is the fact that I am gay. I am now 46 years old and I have been denying it since I realized it when I was a teen. I always believed that God would deliver me and allow me to get married and have my own family. But things have happened and I realize my age and I realize that now it is just too late for my dreams to ever come true.
I have tried everything I know of to become straight. All the methods, read a ton of the books, went through Christian therapy went through support groups anything and everything you can think of but nothing has changed me. I am still as gay today as I was when I realized it as a teenager.
So that aside, one of the things I have to do is realize and accept the fact that I am gay and I probably will be the rest of my life. I have to accept this part of myself or I will never be a complete man. It is very hard to accept something that you don’t want to, it is very hard to accept something that you have lived in denial with for so many years. But accept it I must if I choose to become the man God wants me to be.
For many years I have argued with God about telling my family. I figured two things first I didn’t believe that my sex life was anybody else’s business. And second why do I need to tell them when I am living a celibate life. But recently God convinced and convicted me that I must tell them. It is the only way I am going to accept it myself. I did not tell them for their benefits, I did not tell them to satisfy their curiosity I told them to help me accept the fact that I am gay. It is kind of like if I stop lying about it then I have to accept the truth for myself.
Anyway, I finally sat down and wrote the family and a few friends a letter telling them I am gay. For the most part there wasn’t much of a hassle or much trouble. A lot of them already knew and others it just didn’t seem to affect them one way or the other. But for me it did a world of good because now I cannot deny the fact that I am gay.
What I am leading up to is this. I am having such a hard time with myself and with my relationship with God right now. But one of the things the Lord has shown me is this and to me it is an epiphany. According to the Bible Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the Alpha and Omega the Beginning and the End. My being gay is no surprise to Him. He already knew. He knew I was gay when He gave me that vision those 20 some odd years ago.
So with that being the case my trouble verse that God hated Esau in Romans is put to rest. God does not hate me because I am gay, He loves me I am more precious to Him than fine gold. How do I know this? Because He told me Himself and my telling Him now that I am gay is not a surprise to Him He already knew that before He ever even thought to give me that vision.
This is all being done for my benefit not His. He is not surprised He is not angry He is not shocked because He already knew. And this goes for everything Folks. There is nothing we can do or say that is going to shock the Lord because He already knew. That is just so awesome to me that I cannot grasp the full meaning of it yet. But I felt the need to share this with the hope that it might help somebody else. There is nothing you can say or do that is going to change the way He feels about you because He already knows. Amen.
PS
As a side note for you guys that do not know me. I left the gay life 13 years ago. I have lived a celibate life since then and I plan on living a celibate life the rest of my life. So, I am not coming out “per se” so that I can go and live the gay life. This is not my intent. My intent is to accept that part of myself as well instead of living a double life, a lie. I just need to be open and honest with those close to me and so that I can be open and honest with myself and become one whole human being.
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